RENEGADE RABBI RAMPAGE

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

 

RENEGADE RABBI RAMPAGE

by Matt Hughes

Dateline: Jerusalem, April 9, 21:01:17

Continuing unrest is reported in Jerusalem. The latest, an impromptu demonstration protesting both Roman rule and Temple practices, erupted Sunday morning. The renegade rabbi, Jesus of Nazareth, was seen in the midst of the mob riding a donkey and leading a colt. His personal associates allegedly illegally appropriated said animals earlier in the day. 

The gathering crowd, upon recognizing Jesus, called for the restoration of King David’s throne and threw articles of clothing as well as palm branches before him. Many heralded the renegade rabbi with shouts of “Lord, save us” and “Lord from the highest heaven”.

Jesus, upset by temple business, which fleeces many Passover pilgrims, entered the temple court of the gentiles. The rampaging rabbi drove out buyers and sellers, overturned tables of the temple moneychangers, and released many of the sacred, sacrificial animals. The resulting cloud of pigeons anointed many underneath.

In the midst of the turmoil, this reporter interviewed a demonstrator, one Simon Tanner. When asked if he knew the leader, he replied, “This is the prophet, Jesus of Nazareth from Galilee.” Some beggars from the temple gates also came into the temple grounds claiming that they had been blind and lame but Jesus had healed them. Street urchins ran among the demonstrators adding to the confusion, shouting, “Hosanna to the son of David.”

Having created chaos, Jesus of Nazareth withdrew with his looters to an unknown location in Bethany where he was hidden from authorities.

Jesus of Nazareth is a recalcitrant rabbi who has appeared on the scene from time to time. If you see this renegade rabbi, do not listen to him or come into close contact with him. It is unlikely that this troubled teacher would inflict injury, but he has been known to change people’s lives without considering future consequences. Jack D. Sypal continues to follow several lawsuits people have brought as a result of these actions.

Like today, this man disappears before authorities can apprehend him. Since he is likely to return to the Temple area and grounds in the future, Rome and Temple authorities are asking for your help. They urge you to immediately notify the Temple guard or any Roman soldier. Claims that he is the new King of the Jews continue to perplex politicos and ruffle Roman feathers. Whispers of treason abound.

A LONG AND WINDING ROAD

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET           

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts  

A LONG AND WINDING ROAD

Dateline: Deadwood SD, March 5, 04:01:11

by Matt Hughes

Today Biblical Archeology Digest (BAD) archeologist O. Toby Norske was again in the news when he revealed the most recent set of runic records found near Jordan Creek, in Harmony, Minnesota. According to these records, Jesus left a life in Harmony and traveled into the western wilderness.  He may have been the first to follow the advice, “Go West, young man.”

Norske’s work is important because it moves research from the Jordan Creek area in southern Minnesota into the greater North American setting. Norske said, “We started looking for places where Jesus might have gone, based on Biblical accounts of course, and other ancient sources. New findings in the ghost town, Deadwood, SD, suggest that the wilderness west journey could have ended there. At an average 15.7 miles per day (a very reasonable walk in those days), Jesus could have ended his forty-day journey in the wilderness crossing most of Minnesota and South Dakota.”

Ayne Shent (St. Olive, ‘02), one of BAD’s Norwegian antiquity scholars, helped with the research and was present when some preliminary diggings were initiated. The whole team was shocked when they found a stone with identical markings as the Jordan Creek find. This tends to confirm Norske’s hypothesis.

The writings on this stone purport that Jesus traveled into the western wilderness and was tested. Jesus rejected spells as ways to solve the world hunger issue, but Shent notes that this part of the nation has been known as the “great bread basket” for many years.

The stone further claims that Jesus was taken to the pinnacle of what we now know as the Corn Palace where he refused to leap without an appropriate bungee harness and line. Lastly, he was taken to the highest point in the Black Hills, where he surveyed the wonders of the western lands, and he again declared them good.

After the mountain-top experience, Jesus found himself where angels ministered to him. Norske now believes that the end of the testing time concluded in Cactus Flat (a popular stop today to visit a prairie dog village) because, he explains, “From the rune stone, we now understand that the word we usually think of as ‘angels’ really means ‘prairie dogs’. This would suggest that Jesus was transubstantiated or teleported in some way from place to place. Otherwise, he wandered all the way to the Black Hills and then returned part way, and then proceeded to Deadwood, another five- or six-day journey by foot.“

The terminal location of Deadwood is suggested by the cross event itself. The dead wood is the signature name of the cross and has been made famous because of it. Norske said, “What comes out of these new writings is how maniacally focused the inquisitor is and how casual Jesus is in the midst of it.”

As scholars continue to process this new information, Shent shared that some wonder whether this narrative suggests a first uprising of aboriginal first-nation people against the misunderstood intentions of an early Viking expedition or whether the leadership of that fated expedition was in fact Jesus and that he was a Viking rejected by an unknown adversary.

Maybe Jesus is Norwegian after all.

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK or 3 BLIND MICE

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET           

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

 

HICKORY DICKORY DOCK or 3 BLIND MICE

In a startling report, Josh Kristy disciples are revealed to be blind.

Dateline: Galilee, February 26, 17:01:09

by Matt Hughes

Following is a transcript of last evening’s broadcast courtesy of our news affiliate ATTV: “If it’s news, it’s where we’re AT.”
Earlier today, Josh Kristy took with him Peter, James, and his brother John, who most think are his closest disciples, and led them up an undisclosed mountain. This reporter was able to follow at a distance and report these happenings to you through enhanced long-range digital camera and sound equipment.

It appears Kristy took these three disciples with him because, unbeknownst before now, they are blind, thus limiting their ability to attest to the strange occurrences that transpired at the ad hoc summit meeting where Moses and Elijah were also ostensibly in attendance.

As the film begins, you can clearly see that Kristy’s appearance is dramatically different from that at his recent gatherings. His face is glowing brightly, and his clothes are sparkling white. The level of brilliance is high enough to distort the image, yet the disciples seem to be unaware. They stand together apparently preoccupied with their own conversation.

In this next clip, two apparitions, most likely Moses and Elijah, join Kristy in what appears to be a serious communication of import and still the disciples seem unaware. They continue to be preoccupied by their own concerns.

And here, you will notice one of the disciples, most likely Peter, tugging on Kristy’s sleeve, still apparently unaware of the spectacle before them, but excited about something.

In this last clip, a cloud, unlike anything our meteorologists can describe or explain, appears, and, when isolated lightning and thunder were seen and heard, the disciples fell flat on their faces as they tried in vain to seek shelter.

And now we see Kristy helping Peter, James, and his brother John, up onto their feet and hiking back down the mountain.

We asked our local specialist on paranormal occurrences, Dr. Yule Ceboetter for his opinion of Kristy’s disciples’ reaction. “Well, it is possible that the intensity of the brightness was such that their retinal sensors were overloaded and ceased to function, but, I believe, that, if you look at your earlier shots, they indicate that they were climbing, using walking sticks and holding on to one another on the way up the incline. The film is not clear, but they certainly could be white canes suggesting that they were blind before this unusual meeting took place.

Ceboetter continued, “Clearly, blindness is the only explanation for their nonchalance at the beginning of this paranormal event. Any normal person would have been overcome by such extranormal events and would have exhibited physical reactions such as cringing or at least shading their eyes. Here you see none of this. In fact, at the end of the second clip, we see Peter tugging on Kristy’s sleeve without any show of noticing the circumstances around him. Yes, in my considered opinion, they all must be blind.”

Ceboetter further opined, “But not deaf. You will notice in the third clip that they all fell down as soon as there was thunder. This would indicate that the lightning did not impress them, but the thunder certainly did. This would confirm, I think, that they are all blind, but not deaf. I am just so delighted that we have this permanent record of what really went on there.”

Ceboetter’s opinion was further substantiated when I caught up with Kristy and his disciples. When asked about the appearances at the summit events, John replied, “What appearances?” Before I could follow up, he rushed off, saying, “I’m sorry, Josh is about to speak, and I want to listen to him.”

This reporter had not considered the importance of blind faith before this. I had always thought it was a figure of speech.

GETTING MARRIED IN THE MOURNING

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            POLITICS

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

GETTING MARRIED IN THE MOURNING

Dateline: Galilee, February 19, 05:38:48

by Matt Hughes

Josh Kristy continues to challenges today’s morality and our legal systems, surprised many by instructing his followers not to resist evil doers but to let them run rampant. He even suggested that his followers overpay plea bargain settlements by 100%. Further, after suggesting that young men enucleate eyes and amputate hands, Kristy presented extreme pacifist ideas counselling against fighting back when attacked. Kristy went so far as to say we should give our hard-earned money away to anyone who asks for it.

Ernest Workman said, “Soon our young men will be half blind, disabled, toothless, black eyed, impoverished, and likely homeless. If we give everything away to those who ask for it, who are we going to ask for money when the time comes?”

New insights into modern marriage practices among Kristy followers and an explanation of the rising divorce rate came when Kristy told his followers to love their enemies. Kristy said, “Anyone can love people who love them. The trick is to get your enemies embroiled in loving relationships, and then prey on them.”

When interviewed, Don T. Ghethitcht explained, “This makes it so much easier to be with the one you love. I used to think that I needed to look for the perfect woman, but now I just put my arms around whoever happens to be there. I’m bound to experience some antagonism from her, and then I figure that’s the one to love. I was so confused until I heard that I was to prey on them. It really simplified the whole dating thing.”

Mary Annie Thyme was heard to say, “This changes my whole attitude toward war. I mean, I never thought about the other side as being a whole new market for wedding bliss. I just wonder who my bridesmaids should be?”

Bar Association spokesperson, Sue M. Dailey opined, “This could change how we think about divorce. It used to be that people fell in love with one another, and then, over time, they became enemies or, worse than that, indifferent to their partner. It now seems that hatred and thoughtlessness is grounds for getting married. If they fall in love with one another, will that be grounds for divorce? I’m sure that there is a new legal precedent waiting to be proved in court. This should keep lawyers busy for years to come.”

BELLY UP TO THE BAR

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            POLITICS

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

 

BELLY UP TO THE BAR

Dateline: Galilee, February 12, 05:21:37

by Matt Hughes

Josh Kristy, following his sensational statements on fashion last Saturday, turned to politics, proposing radical policies with potentially serious consequences. It appears that Kristy not only endorses some of the most stringent gun laws ever, but he wants to litigate anger, insults, and the use of fool in common parlance. Initial response to this part of Kristy’s proposal has resulted in the cancelation of all re-runs of The A Team until further notice.

Kristy also addressed current societal standards on adultery. He called for eye enucleation and right hand amputations for anyone guilty of objectifying women and other lustful behavior. This should significantly reduce teenage male populations in public or, alternatively, significantly increase the need for prosthetic devices for one-handed half-blind youth. When asked about these new policies, G. Otto Bohner said, “There are worse members to lose.” Kristy also charged that divorce is an agent of adultery and challenges chastity standards.

In another statement, Kristy called on his groupies to jam the legal system by not swearing to the veracity of anything they say in court. This could challenge truth-telling in our time. Asked to comment, Bar Association spokesperson Sue M. Dailey said, “Personally I think it’s great. I can foresee many more billable hours for attorneys across the country, not to mention therapists running anger management groups. Litigation challenging the constitutionality of hate language vs freedom of speech will also raise the standard of living for lawyers and paralegals. Even his stand on mediation settlements without contest will make plea bargaining and plea management a preferred occupation. It is the first really encouraging proposal for lowering prison censuses throughout the land. This could be the biggest thing for lawyers ever because it criminalizes accepted behavior and then decriminalizes the punitive consequences with what could be a very intricate structure of graduated financial penalty. It’s a win-win for litigators everywhere.”

Please Pass the Salt, OR What Color is Your Lamp Shade?

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET           STYLE

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

 

Please Pass the Salt, OR What Color is Your Lamp Shade?

February 5, 05:13:20

by Matt Hughes  

Who can forget Lot’s wife and the consequences of looking back? Yet in an ambiguous, even obfuscating, Orwellian double-speak statement, Joshua Kristy focused the crowd’s attention Saturday when he called them “salt of the earth.” Many people weren’t certain whether it was a compliment or the greatest slam.

Sources within the Kristy camp, however, made clarifying remarks stating that Kristy was speaking in “interior design short hand as-it-were.” It appears that “SALT” is an acronym for Stunning Alternative Lighting Treatments and to be “the SALT of the earth,” is simply a way of saying that you are fully living in your time and current trends. Apparently, to lose one’s saltiness and taste is simply a way of saying that people are not keeping up with current design trends and are totally out of fashion.

With this illuminating clarification, the rest of Kristy’s monologue concerning lighting and the basic rules of lighting in the home make much more sense.

1. Unless you are trying for that night time glow on your garden paths, or night-lighting a hallway leading to the bathroom for safety’s sake, lights need to be up high.
2. Bushel baskets are not effective light treatments unless you cut the bottoms out of them. With the bottoms removed, these baskets become quite attractive lamp shades creating an ambient glow as the light radiates through the natural intervals of the weave and, in some cases, enlivens the material itself.
3. With LEDs, mini lights can be inserted into the shade creating images of constellations and representations of the cosmological multiverse we live in. By arranging several lamps in any given room, the full magnificence of our heavenly kingdom is displayed.
4. These are not new rules for lighting, but they do enhance our lives creating attractive, even educational, opportunities for social gatherings.
5. By adapting just a few of these SALT ideas, you can surpass the righteous work of designers in the past.

Mount  crowd members claim this SALT summit meeting to be enriching and savory. Trumpet financial consultants predict a significant bump in the lighting and underwater basket weaving industries. More to come as further analysis continues.

BAR JOSEPH: BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST?

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            OP-ED

BAR JOSEPH: BIOLOGICAL TERRORIST?

January 29, 04:24:05:12

by Matt Hughes

If the words, “Repent for the kingdom of heaven has come near,” create a sense of angst for you, then the sudden influx of the possessed and infirm throughout the country seeking Joshua bar Joseph will cause at least a moment of suspense-filled pause.

Following forty days of retreat and reflection in the desert, Joshua bar Joseph began a new healing ministry for all comers. After healing many diseases and other minor afflictions, bar Joseph’s reputation as a healing guru spread from Damascus to Jerusalem, from Judah through Samaria, Galilee and into the outer reaches of the empire beyond the Jordan to the Palestinians.

His celebrity status has brought thousands, possibly millions, of mentally unstable people, as well as the chronically ill, streaming into our country. Who knows what contagious diseases these foreigners carry and what kind of criminal element they include? And there is no one to even determine if these people have real illnesses! These undocumented aliens strain our social resources and care, stretching our tax dollars to the limit.

Naively and apparently oblivious of his stir among the populous, bar Joseph was traveling through a wilderness area last Saturday when he turned to hear something said by one of his four disciples. Seeing the crowds gathering behind and around him, bar Joseph fled up a game trail on the nearby mountain. Finally, like a treed ‘coon surrounded by a pack of baying hounds, he faced down the crowd.

Bar Joseph’s speech, which certainly will be discussed by many over the next weeks (if not longer), began with what might be the organizing principles of a new revolution. It seems he is demanding adequate health care and counselling for the disenfranchised and the disabled.

Bar Joseph went so far as to call the rabble that followed him blessed and inheritors of some heavenly kingdom and then presented the accolades of our revered emperor—the great peacemaker and son of God—as titles for the crowd gathered before him. It all seems to be some dangerous pie-in-the-sky campaign.

There is more to come as we have time to analyze this speech and watch his further actions.

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET          INTERNATIONAL NEWS

BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP

Dateline: New York, December 31, 25:31:46

Matt Hughes

With exclusive coverage, THE ANGELUS TRUMPET is excited to report that Joshua Kristy, amid great fanfare, attempted to demonstrate what life in the new world order might look like. Kristy claimed, “My goal here, is not to create a single standard for global governmental compliance, but benchmarks to be strived for. If how we treat the poorest people in our society indicates our concern for one another, then these bench marks can stand as report card for our nations.”

Speaking outside the United Nations, Kristy divided the countries into two groups: those that were acceptable and those that needed to do work. Kristy divided them into his own categories of SHEEP (Somewhat Helpful Eco-friendly Environs for People) and GOATS (Governmental Organizations Antagonistic to Transformative Solutions). At the end of the first reading, the delegations from  Sweden and Denmark stood alone as SHEEP. After a second consideration, Ireland, Finland, Iceland, and the Netherlands were added.

According to Kristy’s estimations, much work needs to be done in the rest of the world. There were several moments of indecision when the issue of the Vatican and Taiwan were raised. After consultation, it was noted that the Vatican depends on other countries for some of its services, and the nationhood of Taiwan remains undecided.

It appears that Kristy’s benchmarks include world hunger with the NU Food diet including their full-bodied bread; potable water for all including NU Food wines for the discerning palate; open immigration policies (remembering some semi-nomadic early life issues); affordable King of Dodd clothing made from sustainable eco-friendly resources manufactured  by workers who receive equitable salaries; holistic medical care for all people; and prison reform (honoring the treatment and death of Jean Baptiste).

Kristy claimed, “It is clear that even the nations who have made the cut are not fully compliant, but they are moving in the right direction. They deserve to be rewarded and encouraged in the work they are doing.”

When UN representatives were asked about Kristy’s judgment, Torvald Thorsen of Denmark, said, “We are very proud to be among the chosen nations, but all we have done is try to be as good as we can to one another. We do not think that we are doing anything special. We still have issues to deal with.”

Among the nations that did not make the preferred list, UK UN Ambassador Arthur King protested saying, “I believe that we are being punished because of the recent Brexit vote which is primarily a statement of concern trying to preserve our distinguished heritage.”

US UN Ambassador John Q. Jones was heard to say, “Kristy doesn’t understand the complexities of a nation our size. We are currently in a rebuilding stage of our nation’s greatness, and so I am not surprised that people do not understand our need to build a secure boundary between us and our southern neighbors. Prison reform is something that we are studying…, but we have the best medical care money can buy anywhere in the world.…Yes, we have some problems with poverty, but that is because so many jobs have been out sourced around the world. We’re working on bringing all of those jobs home again in the coming years.”

Syria and Liberia did not respond to requests for comment

It is uncertain, at this time, whether the new categories of SHEEP and GOATS will help, but it is certain that Kingdom of Dodd LLC will greatly benefit if nations accept the challenge benchmarks proposed by Kristy.

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            SOCIETY SECTION

Dateline: Jerusalem, November 21, 01:18:25

Matt Hughes

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

People are all abuzz concerning Joseph Jacobson and his relationship and upcoming nuptials to Mary Hannahsdatter as moral proprieties and social convention became the topic of conversation among the who’s who of Bethlehem. Discovering that Hannahsdatter was “just a little bit pregnant”, rumors have been flying that Jacobson planned to annul his highly touted advantageous engagement and wedding. Not intending to make a publicity circus, Jacobson planned a quiet dinner yesterday at the exclusive NU Food cuisine restaurant, The House of Bread, with Hannahsdatter and her family to discuss relational termination.

In an interview after leaving Bread, Jacobson stated, “Things were going well as we began our discussion after dinner and before dessert. Then Mary started talking about her dream life and ecstatic divine paranormal experiences. I thought she was stoned or just nuts. Things were getting out of control, and, frankly, I was hoping to avoid a scene, so I excused myself to give Mary and her family some time to get it together.”

Returning to the table, Jacobson appeared to reverse his decision. Mumbling that he wasn’t in his right mind, he granted he could see his way clear to go ahead with the agreed upon courtship and wedding after all.

Jacobson explained to this reporter, “I mean, I was standing there, in the men’s lounge taking care of things and trying to remain cool. I like to think of myself as a pretty righteous guy, and I was really het up about things. I mean, I thought that we had this exclusive relationship going, and then suddenly, it’s not? So, I thought that I was within my rights to dump her when it sort of came over me…. I don’t know how to describe it, but I thought, ‘What if she’s not lying?’ And suddenly I could see myself being the kid’s dad, and I even knew what we should name him. Strictly speaking, I know I should have gotten out of the relationship, but, somehow, it didn’t seem right anymore. And then, I just got this really calm feeling. I was so chill, and I knew it was the right thing. So I went back to the table and said so. So, we ordered dessert and talked about enamelware. Things are good with us. If it’s a boy we’re going to name the kid Joshua. You know, it just feels right, and, you’ve got to admit, there’s something about Mary.”

Right now, it looks like a June wedding is likely. The baby is expected sometime in December.

Editor: Peter Heide

FASHION FOODIES GET POLITICAL

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET                           Early Edition

Dateline: Capernaum, December 11, 11:01:15
Matt Hughes

FASHION FOODIES GET POLITICAL

In an unexpected turn, Jean Baptiste, supermodel and NU-Food spokesperson, stepped beyond his eco-lifestyle message, commenting on governmental leaders’ profligate living and including charges of sexual improprieties and abuses These charges have resulted in Baptiste’s arrest and confinement in an area prison pending trial.

In a display of bravado, Baptiste told loyal fans to find “the new message guy.”

It turns out that the new message guy may just be Baptiste “bon ami” creator and designer for Kingdom of Dodd LLC, Joshua Kristy. When questioned early this afternoon about whether Kingdom of Dodd monies would be used for Baptiste’s defense, Kristy replied, “No comment.” But, responding to persistent questioning, Kristy finally confronted fans and reporters. What follows is the full text of his outburst.

“The state of our nation is in serious trouble. We are consuming our natural resources at an alarming rate without proper checks and balances. We are strangling ourselves with our air pollution, irrigating desert land that is unsustainable for future population growth. We poison ourselves using our precious life sustaining water in order to maximize crude oil production without considering what future generations will do.”

“My God, when will the people learn that it is not about things? It’s not about walls that separate us from one another. It’s simply all about people! People are suffering. We need medical care that will serve the needs of all people so that the blind can regain sight, the crippled can walk, the deaf can hear, that diseases will be cured or at least treated. We need an education system that is equipped to train and educate people of all ages; to meet the needs of all our children, including those who are impoverished or have disabilities that can’t be cured; not just some trumped up system that benefits the privileged few.”

“We need to reach out to the invisible people of the world. You know, the people we would rather not acknowledge in our world—those who are not treated any better than the dead—and raise them up into our world, benefiting from the gifts and ideas that they bring to our table. We need to address the oppressive conditions of poverty, the paralyzing stigmas of sexism, racism, and yes, xenophobia.”

“One of the reasons I  got involved with Kingdom of Dodd in the first place was because of Dodd’s commitment to sustainable living practices that promote better world relationships to live in. I thank Dodd and all people who stand with me in this cause and build no fence against me.”

“And now that you got me started, did you think that this was just about a photo op? Did you think that this was just a gig for a weed smoker blowing wind? Did you think that it was just about fashion? “

“This project was not about reward and profit. Jean’s wardrobe was a commitment to waging war on unhealthy living. I admire him for the stand that he has taken, and I am committing myself and all of Dodd’s kingdom resources to continue and expand what he has started. Living in our world without considering the long-term consequences of our lifestyles does violence against our world and promotes violent greed and usurpation. I’m deadly serious about this, I’m not just joshin’.”