Please Pass the Salt, OR What Color is Your Lamp Shade?

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET           STYLE

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Please Pass the Salt, OR What Color is Your Lamp Shade?

February 5, 05:13:20

by Matt Hughes  

Who can forget Lot’s wife and the consequences of looking back? Yet in an ambiguous, even obfuscating, Orwellian double-speak statement, Joshua Kristy focused the crowd’s attention Saturday when he called them “salt of the earth.” Many people weren’t certain whether it was a compliment or the greatest slam.

Sources within the Kristy camp, however, made clarifying remarks stating that Kristy was speaking in “interior design short hand as-it-were.” It appears that “SALT” is an acronym for Stunning Alternative Lighting Treatments and to be “the SALT of the earth,” is simply a way of saying that you are fully living in your time and current trends. Apparently, to lose one’s saltiness and taste is simply a way of saying that people are not keeping up with current design trends and are totally out of fashion.

With this illuminating clarification, the rest of Kristy’s monologue concerning lighting and the basic rules of lighting in the home make much more sense.

1. Unless you are trying for that night time glow on your garden paths, or night-lighting a hallway leading to the bathroom for safety’s sake, lights need to be up high.
2. Bushel baskets are not effective light treatments unless you cut the bottoms out of them. With the bottoms removed, these baskets become quite attractive lamp shades creating an ambient glow as the light radiates through the natural intervals of the weave and, in some cases, enlivens the material itself.
3. With LEDs, mini lights can be inserted into the shade creating images of constellations and representations of the cosmological multiverse we live in. By arranging several lamps in any given room, the full magnificence of our heavenly kingdom is displayed.
4. These are not new rules for lighting, but they do enhance our lives creating attractive, even educational, opportunities for social gatherings.
5. By adapting just a few of these SALT ideas, you can surpass the righteous work of designers in the past.

Mount  crowd members claim this SALT summit meeting to be enriching and savory. Trumpet financial consultants predict a significant bump in the lighting and underwater basket weaving industries. More to come as further analysis continues.