GETTING MARRIED IN THE MOURNING

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            POLITICS

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

GETTING MARRIED IN THE MOURNING

Dateline: Galilee, February 19, 05:38:48

by Matt Hughes

Josh Kristy continues to challenges today’s morality and our legal systems, surprised many by instructing his followers not to resist evil doers but to let them run rampant. He even suggested that his followers overpay plea bargain settlements by 100%. Further, after suggesting that young men enucleate eyes and amputate hands, Kristy presented extreme pacifist ideas counselling against fighting back when attacked. Kristy went so far as to say we should give our hard-earned money away to anyone who asks for it.

Ernest Workman said, “Soon our young men will be half blind, disabled, toothless, black eyed, impoverished, and likely homeless. If we give everything away to those who ask for it, who are we going to ask for money when the time comes?”

New insights into modern marriage practices among Kristy followers and an explanation of the rising divorce rate came when Kristy told his followers to love their enemies. Kristy said, “Anyone can love people who love them. The trick is to get your enemies embroiled in loving relationships, and then prey on them.”

When interviewed, Don T. Ghethitcht explained, “This makes it so much easier to be with the one you love. I used to think that I needed to look for the perfect woman, but now I just put my arms around whoever happens to be there. I’m bound to experience some antagonism from her, and then I figure that’s the one to love. I was so confused until I heard that I was to prey on them. It really simplified the whole dating thing.”

Mary Annie Thyme was heard to say, “This changes my whole attitude toward war. I mean, I never thought about the other side as being a whole new market for wedding bliss. I just wonder who my bridesmaids should be?”

Bar Association spokesperson, Sue M. Dailey opined, “This could change how we think about divorce. It used to be that people fell in love with one another, and then, over time, they became enemies or, worse than that, indifferent to their partner. It now seems that hatred and thoughtlessness is grounds for getting married. If they fall in love with one another, will that be grounds for divorce? I’m sure that there is a new legal precedent waiting to be proved in court. This should keep lawyers busy for years to come.”

BELLY UP TO THE BAR

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            POLITICS

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

 

BELLY UP TO THE BAR

Dateline: Galilee, February 12, 05:21:37

by Matt Hughes

Josh Kristy, following his sensational statements on fashion last Saturday, turned to politics, proposing radical policies with potentially serious consequences. It appears that Kristy not only endorses some of the most stringent gun laws ever, but he wants to litigate anger, insults, and the use of fool in common parlance. Initial response to this part of Kristy’s proposal has resulted in the cancelation of all re-runs of The A Team until further notice.

Kristy also addressed current societal standards on adultery. He called for eye enucleation and right hand amputations for anyone guilty of objectifying women and other lustful behavior. This should significantly reduce teenage male populations in public or, alternatively, significantly increase the need for prosthetic devices for one-handed half-blind youth. When asked about these new policies, G. Otto Bohner said, “There are worse members to lose.” Kristy also charged that divorce is an agent of adultery and challenges chastity standards.

In another statement, Kristy called on his groupies to jam the legal system by not swearing to the veracity of anything they say in court. This could challenge truth-telling in our time. Asked to comment, Bar Association spokesperson Sue M. Dailey said, “Personally I think it’s great. I can foresee many more billable hours for attorneys across the country, not to mention therapists running anger management groups. Litigation challenging the constitutionality of hate language vs freedom of speech will also raise the standard of living for lawyers and paralegals. Even his stand on mediation settlements without contest will make plea bargaining and plea management a preferred occupation. It is the first really encouraging proposal for lowering prison censuses throughout the land. This could be the biggest thing for lawyers ever because it criminalizes accepted behavior and then decriminalizes the punitive consequences with what could be a very intricate structure of graduated financial penalty. It’s a win-win for litigators everywhere.”