BELLY UP TO THE BAR

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            POLITICS

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BELLY UP TO THE BAR

Dateline: Galilee, February 12, 05:21:37

by Matt Hughes

Josh Kristy, following his sensational statements on fashion last Saturday, turned to politics, proposing radical policies with potentially serious consequences. It appears that Kristy not only endorses some of the most stringent gun laws ever, but he wants to litigate anger, insults, and the use of fool in common parlance. Initial response to this part of Kristy’s proposal has resulted in the cancelation of all re-runs of The A Team until further notice.

Kristy also addressed current societal standards on adultery. He called for eye enucleation and right hand amputations for anyone guilty of objectifying women and other lustful behavior. This should significantly reduce teenage male populations in public or, alternatively, significantly increase the need for prosthetic devices for one-handed half-blind youth. When asked about these new policies, G. Otto Bohner said, “There are worse members to lose.” Kristy also charged that divorce is an agent of adultery and challenges chastity standards.

In another statement, Kristy called on his groupies to jam the legal system by not swearing to the veracity of anything they say in court. This could challenge truth-telling in our time. Asked to comment, Bar Association spokesperson Sue M. Dailey said, “Personally I think it’s great. I can foresee many more billable hours for attorneys across the country, not to mention therapists running anger management groups. Litigation challenging the constitutionality of hate language vs freedom of speech will also raise the standard of living for lawyers and paralegals. Even his stand on mediation settlements without contest will make plea bargaining and plea management a preferred occupation. It is the first really encouraging proposal for lowering prison censuses throughout the land. This could be the biggest thing for lawyers ever because it criminalizes accepted behavior and then decriminalizes the punitive consequences with what could be a very intricate structure of graduated financial penalty. It’s a win-win for litigators everywhere.”