Showing posts with label Joseph Jacobson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joseph Jacobson. Show all posts

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

JOBLESS AND HOMELESS IN ANGEL HEIGHTS

TEMPLE TIMES

Editorial: B. A. Roman

JOBLESS AND HOMELESS IN ANGEL HEIGHTS

From time to time, social issues come to the attention of this paper which deserve to be covered as a forum for reform and for the public good. Recently one such story came to the attention of the editorial staff at the Temple Times. In the name of law and order, and the future wellbeing of the state, this pernicious story should call our citizenry to examine and address the radical consequences of jobless bums in our public spaces, the problems of teenage pregnancy, and life conditions for run-aways in our urban centers.
 
I must warn our readers that the following material may be dangerous and strong parental guidance is recommended for our younger readers. It is a scandalous story. It is so scandalous that there are those who have told it and been imprisoned and sentenced to death for repeating it, but because of its long reaching ramifications, this paper feels compelled to report this story.
 
A few years ago, a young girl got in trouble; well, she got pregnant. She was only about fifteen years old and of course there were people who talked. Charges of statutory rape were considered. Her boyfriend, Joseph Jacobson, 19, emigrated here recently. After thinking about it for a while, he decided that he would marry the girl, but he wanted to do it right, in his hometown of Angel Heights. The two of them journeyed back to Angel Heights, but no family member would let them stay at their home. They went to a hostel. Even there they were turned away because of her minor status and condition. Finally, in desperation they sneaked into a garage for the night.
 
With all the stress of the trip and the humiliation of being turned away time and again, the young girl went into labor. Fortunately, there were no complications, and a healthy baby was born. They covered the baby with some rags they found there and waited to see what the next day would bring. Later that night they were mobbed by some hard cases—very rough, dirty, men who just showed up. They smelled like they hadn't showered for weeks.
 
It turned out that these men had been staying in Shepherd park a little way away and had been rousted by the Angel Heights Police Department (AHPD). They had also come to the garage for refuge. At first the young couple thought that they were going to be robbed, but, when the men saw the baby, they decided to have a party.
 
I suppose it was because of the poverty of his parents, or maybe it was the bad company the child grew up with and hung out with, but what this paper knows for sure is that while he was young, he ran away from his parents at least once. Then when he was old enough to be out on his own, he chose to associate with the most unsavory people. He was part of the fringe culture disrupting social order advocating for radical social reform and equal rights. He was cited for demonstrating without a permit and was frequently seen in the company of questionable low-level bureaucrats who are presently also under investigation. Finally, after a night of partying which will long be remembered, the child was arrested. It turns out that he and his cohorts were involved with some radical sect who were plotting against the government. He was found guilty of treason and sentenced to death.
 
Following his execution, his body disappeared.  It has never been found and subversives within our community continue to lift up his principles for living claiming that he still lives.
 
With such disturbing life stories rising from the streets of joblessness and homeless despair, this paper asks its readers. “What do you think should be done?

Thursday, December 15, 2016

THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY


THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            SOCIETY SECTION


Dateline: Jerusalem, November 21, 01:18:25

Matt Hughes



THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

People are all abuzz concerning Joseph Jacobson and his relationship and upcoming nuptials to Mary Hannahsdatter as moral proprieties and social convention became the topic of conversation among the who’s who of Bethlehem. Discovering that Hannahsdatter was “just a little bit pregnant”, rumors have been flying that Jacobson planned to annul his highly touted advantageous engagement and wedding. Not intending to make a publicity circus, Jacobson planned a quiet dinner yesterday at the exclusive NU Food cuisine restaurant, The House of Bread, with Hannahsdatter and her family to discuss relational termination.

In an interview after leaving Bread, Jacobson stated, “Things were going well as we began our discussion after dinner and before dessert. Then Mary started talking about her dream life and ecstatic divine paranormal experiences. I thought she was stoned or just nuts. Things were getting out of control, and, frankly, I was hoping to avoid a scene, so I excused myself to give Mary and her family some time to get it together.”

Returning to the table, Jacobson appeared to reverse his decision. Mumbling that he wasn’t in his right mind, he granted he could see his way clear to go ahead with the agreed upon courtship and wedding after all.

Jacobson explained to this reporter, “I mean, I was standing there, in the men’s lounge taking care of things and trying to remain cool. I like to think of myself as a pretty righteous guy, and I was really het up about things. I mean, I thought that we had this exclusive relationship going, and then suddenly, it’s not? So, I thought that I was within my rights to dump her when it sort of came over me…. I don’t know how to describe it, but I thought, ‘What if she’s not lying?’ And suddenly I could see myself being the kid’s dad, and I even knew what we should name him. Strictly speaking, I know I should have gotten out of the relationship, but, somehow, it didn’t seem right anymore. And then, I just got this really calm feeling. I was so chill, and I knew it was the right thing. So I went back to the table and said so. So, we ordered dessert and talked about enamelware. Things are good with us. If it’s a boy we’re going to name the kid Joshua. You know, it just feels right, and, you’ve got to admit, there’s something about Mary.”

Right now, it looks like a June wedding is likely. The baby is expected sometime in December.



Editor: Peter Heide