THE ANGELUS TRUMPET INTERNATIONAL NEWS
BAA, BAA, BLACK SHEEP
Dateline: New York, December 31, 25:31:46
Matt Hughes
With exclusive coverage, THE ANGELUS TRUMPET is excited to
report that Joshua Kristy, amid great fanfare, attempted to demonstrate what
life in the new world order might look like. Kristy claimed, “My goal here, is
not to create a single standard for global governmental compliance, but
benchmarks to be strived for. If how we treat the poorest people in our society
indicates our concern for one another, then these bench marks can stand as
report card for our nations.”
Speaking outside the United Nations, Kristy divided the countries
into two groups: those that were acceptable and those that needed to do work. Kristy
divided them into his own categories of SHEEP (Somewhat Helpful Eco-friendly
Environs for People) and GOATS (Governmental Organizations Antagonistic to
Transformative Solutions). At the end of the first reading, the delegations
from Sweden and Denmark stood alone as
SHEEP. After a second consideration, Ireland, Finland, Iceland, and the
Netherlands were added.
According to Kristy’s estimations, much work needs to be
done in the rest of the world. There were several moments of indecision when the
issue of the Vatican and Taiwan were raised. After consultation, it was noted
that the Vatican depends on other countries for some of its services, and the
nationhood of Taiwan remains undecided.
It appears that Kristy’s benchmarks include world hunger with
the NU Food diet including their full-bodied bread; potable water for all
including NU Food wines for the discerning palate; open immigration policies
(remembering some semi-nomadic early life issues); affordable King of Dodd clothing
made from sustainable eco-friendly resources manufactured by workers who receive equitable salaries; holistic
medical care for all people; and prison reform (honoring the treatment and
death of Jean Baptiste).
Kristy claimed, “It is clear that even the nations who have
made the cut are not fully compliant, but they are moving in the right
direction. They deserve to be rewarded and encouraged in the work they are
doing.”
When UN representatives were asked about Kristy’s judgment,
Torvald Thorsen of Denmark, said, “We are very proud to be among the chosen
nations, but all we have done is try to be as good as we can to one another. We
do not think that we are doing anything special. We still have issues to deal
with.”
Among the nations that did not make the preferred list, UK
UN Ambassador Arthur King protested saying, “I believe that we are being
punished because of the recent Brexit vote which is primarily a statement of concern
trying to preserve our distinguished heritage.”
US UN Ambassador John Q. Jones was heard to say, “Kristy doesn’t
understand the complexities of a nation our size. We are currently in a
rebuilding stage of our nation’s greatness, and so I am not surprised that
people do not understand our need to build a secure boundary between us and our
southern neighbors. Prison reform is something that we are studying…, but we
have the best medical care money can buy anywhere in the world.…Yes, we have
some problems with poverty, but that is because so many jobs have been out
sourced around the world. We’re working on bringing all of those jobs home
again in the coming years.”
Syria and Liberia did not respond to requests for comment
It is uncertain, at this time, whether the new categories of
SHEEP and GOATS will help, but it is certain that Kingdom of Dodd LLC will greatly
benefit if nations accept the challenge benchmarks proposed by Kristy.
