Minnesota Finds Jesus

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET            INTERNATIONAL NEWS 

MINNESOTA FINDS JESUS!!!

Dateline: Jordan Creek, Holy Land?, January 8, 03:13:17

Matt Hughes

Among many in the Ole Land, it has long been believed that Jesus was Norwegian, but, until recently, little evidence has been found for that. Now breaking archeological news from BAD (Biblical Archaeology Digest) reveals that Jesus may have very well been Norwegian. That is still inconclusive, but more importantly, Jesus IS from Minnesota.

According to the BAD archeologist heading up this recent dig, O. Toby Norske, the before unknown collection of rune stones found in Fillmore county, Minnesota, indicates that the baptism of our Lord occurred on the North American continent. The team was first intrigued by the solar alignment of the stones. The first comparison of the writing was to aboriginal first nation petroglyphs. Norske said nothing came of that.

Although not a member of the dig team, Ayne Shent (St. Olive, ‘02), one of BAD’s Norwegian antiquity scholars, looked at the stones and suggested that they could be ancient runes. Templates of other runic writings were calibrated to the exact size of the writings on the stones and then properly oriented to accommodate lithographic shifting. Norske enthusiastically said, “Hoorah! We were able to read the message of divine providence that was left for us.”

In an aside, Norske confessed, “You know, some people still think they are just a bunch of rocks with random scratches on them” before he explained that this runic find corrects several scribal errors in the Greek editions of the New Testament. The letter to Philemon should more accurately be read the letter to Fillmore. Instead of Galilean, the runes show gal-o-Lena. Norske interprets this to mean that Mary’s mother’s name was not Anna or Hannah as previously thought. He explained, “Now we can more fully understand that Jesus went to gal of Lena who is Mary. This really helps us understand the humanity of Jesus as he was growing up. How natural it is for a young boy to go to his mother in times of trouble as Paul wrote concerning Jesus’ early life:

‘whenifindmyselfintimesoftroublemotherMarycomestomespeakingwordsofwisdomLetitbeandinmyhourofdarknesssheisstandingrightinfrontofmespeakingwordsofwisdomLetitbeiwakeuptothesoundofmusicmotherMarycomestomespeakingwordsofwisdomLetitbe’”.

Norske believes this passage demonstrates the prime paradigm of the Biblical mother-son relationship and facilitates our understanding of that daily “mother and child reunion that is only a moment away”. He further declared, “It also leads to a greater understanding of Jesus’ willingness to die for us—“’Let it be’.”

When asked how interest got started in this project, Norske responded, “All of this got started because of the account of Jesus’ baptism. Some textual variants suggested that the baptism wasn’t at the Jordan River, but the Jordan Creek. And you can tell from the story that John and Jesus are very close and respect one another. They are just so darn polite, just like Minnesotans. You can almost hear their conversation that day. ‘I should be baptized by you.’”

“’No, I should be baptized by you.’”

“’No, I should be baptized by you.’”

“’No, I should be baptized by you.’”

“’No, I should be baptized by you.’”

“’No, I should be baptized by you.’”

“And after that issue is resolved, you can just see them, on that clear January day, standing on the banks of Jordan Creek saying, ‘After you, cousin.’”

“’No, after you.’”

“’No, after you.’”

“’No, after you.’”

“’No, after you.’”

“’No, after you.’”

“’No, after you.’”

 “I mean, it just warms your heart to think of them going out there with their ice axes and saws to prepare a place for the baptism. You can tell how refreshing it was too. The shout they must have made opened the heavens and scared a local pigeon right out of the sky.”

Norske admitted many of the textual variants are slight. He indicated the clearest textual difference found among the stones is God’s approving words of Jesus. It appears that the rune account says, “Ja, hey der. Lookin’ pretty good der, lille buddy!”

When asked about what she thought of the importance of the find, Norma L. Prankstor said, “This find helps us understand the old story concerning the lack of Minnesotans in heaven.” She was referring to a local legend concerning the first Minnesotans at the pearly gates. It is believed that one of them held open the gate for those who were coming after, waving them through and everyone was stepping aside saying, “No, after you.” Prankstor added, “It [the story] means so much more to me now. It really makes you think, y’know?”

A new BAD site dig in nearby St. Peter hopes to discover whether St. Lucy might be a Minnesotan too. Gustolphus Adavus enthusiasts are hopeful.