Jesus Comes Down

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

JESUS COMES DOWN FROM THE CROSS!!!

by Jack D. Sypal

Dateline: Jerusalem, April 14, 18:01:19:42

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, cleaning up some details left over from my conversation with Bro’ Pete, when a commotion erupted in the outer patio of The AngelUS Trumpet. It turned out to be the Thunder Brothers, James and John. Having read Bro’ Pete’s interview in yesterday’s paper, they claimed to be enraged, making charges that “Bro’ Pete always thinks the story is about him” and “He leaves out half of the info!” Demanding equal time, John said, “Everybody knows that the Jam-Man loved me best.”
“No way,” James retorted.
John challenged, “Way. If he didn’t love me best, then why did he entrust the care of Mummsy to me? Answer me that, if you can?”
“Are you going to pull that, ‘The Jam-Man entrusted Mummsy to me’ thing again? You know that is because you were the only one who managed to slip past the guards. And why was that? Let me tell you why. It was because I was distracting them. Yeah, that’s right. I was distracting the guards so that the rest of you could sneak in and find out what was happening. Don’t give me this, ‘The Jam-Man loved me best,’ camel spit. He loved all of us.”
John mumbled, “Yeah, but he loved me best.”
James said, “We can argue about that later.”
Addressing me finally, James said, “What we want is equal time. All you got was the part that Rocky told you. There is so much more. And yeah, Little Brother here is the one to tell you because I distracted the guards so that he could be there. Tell him, Little Brother.”
“Okay, okay, but quit calling me Little Brother. And none of this ‘Little John” or Johnny stuff. You know I prefer Jack. “
Turning to me, James said, “Hey, Jack, you don’t know Jack, do ya? Well, this is my brother. He thinks that he’s Jack.”
“Stop that. I can do without your sniping and innuendos.”
“What?’ James queried. ‘I didn’t say anything; I just introduced you.”
John replied, “You know what Mom always says, ‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’”
James said, “Just get on with the story.”
“All in good time. Let me tell it my way. Were you there when they crucified him? Were you there when they nailed him to the tree? Were you there when they pierced him in the side? Were you there when they laid him in the tomb? No! Let me tell you, sometimes it causes me to tremble, so let me catch my breath before I tell the story.
“Well, you already know that we met in the upper room for the Jam-Man’s last supper. We didn’t know it then, but that’s what it turned out to be. And you know that the Jam-Man was arrested. You know that Rocky and the Bag Man bailed on him. What you don’t know is that we didn’t so much ditch the Jam-Man as we were being chased. We had the safe room to go to, but we didn’t want to lead any of the soldiers or the temple guards to the house, so we just kept running until we thought that we had shaken them.
“By that time, the trial was pretty much over. Annas had grilled the Jam-Man; Caiphas had gotten his hooks into him; and then they turned him over to Governor Pilate. He was a real piece of work, I’ll tell you. He was one of the most sadistic S.O… people you’d ever want to meet. He could give Caligula some lessons, I tell you.
“But you gotta understand. It was near Passover. People had been coming to town for weeks. There wasn’t a room left to be had. Tiberius had been pretty heavy-handed with the taxes that year, and the Governor was exercising the full power of Roman law.
“Just to show how much power he had, he issued a proclamation that stated, aside from natural causes, Rome had the power of life and death over us. Executions were only allowed if Roman authority had approved them. That’s why Caiphas and his lackeys had to turn the Jam-Man over to the governor. If they had just stoned him, Pilate could have had them crucified instead. It was all so political. Faith and purity of the holy law had nothing to do with it. It was all about power, and who wielded the whip. There were lots of sticks in those days. Very few carrots.
“Anyways, people all over town were afraid. There was more than enough unrest in the streets. People were expecting riots. Tempers were at the boiling point. Both the Romans and the Judeans had a blood lust going. Something had to happen to relieve the pressure.
“So, as I was saying, the Jam-Man was being interrogated by Pilate. That’s what they called it anyways. From time to time, Governor Pilate would come out to see what was happening with the crowd. Each time he came out to talk to the crowd, the crowd had gotten a little bigger.
“And each time the governor looked more nervous. You see, he didn’t want to kill a favored son of the district for fear of revolution. He didn’t want to not kill the Jam-Man because everybody was talking about the Jam-Man as being a King. You know, because they had crowned him the Fools' King in the parade just a few days before. But a king is a king, and the governor couldn’t let it get back to Rome that he was letting another king rule one of Tiberius’ provinces.
“Anyways, the governor said that he just wanted the truth. The Jam-Man tried to tell him that truth is not knowing what truth is, but who truth is, and that he [the Jam-Man] had tried to clear that up weeks ago.
“We got this information from Beloved. I wish I could tell who sh…, he is, but there are still people looking for he…him. The Romans are not happy about some of the leaks that managed to escape from the governor’s palace at the time so Beloved’s identity still needs to be protected. I mean, if people suddenly pushed me on revealing he…his identity I might have to say it is you.
“At any rate, Beloved was able to tell us about the trial and witnessed the treatment of the Roman soldiers—how they dressed him up and beat on him. They made that stupid crown of thorns and put that purple legion robe on him. Then they brought him out to the crowd looking like the Fools' King again, and the people thought that it was all a game. Suddenly the pressure was off. Somehow it wasn’t real, but it was.
“So, when the crowd cried out to crucify him, the governor turned him over to the crowd. Everyone did the little wink-wink thing, but we all knew what was happening.
“So, they took him out to Golgatha [the skull], and they crucified him. There were some other guys that were crucified that day too. You know Rome always wants to go big or go home. Mass executions are A-OK with them, and so the day went on.
“Yeah, James distracted the guards so that some of us could get up there. There was the couple from Cana, Ben and Geri, who came to tell the Jam-Man that Geri was pregnant and that they were going to name their child after him and my brother—Jesse James, if it was a boy, and Jessica Jane, if it was a girl. There was Timaeus, the official whose son was healed; Lazy Larry, who the Jam-Man told to pick up his beggar’s mat and go home; Little Sol, who had the fish and bread that day; I. Seituwell; and Lazarus; besides Mummsy, Clopas’ wife, and Mary Magdalene. Oh, yeah, I was there too.
“We were all standing there in a group, horrified, like we were snake-bit or something, when he saw us. He sorta smiled. I was waiting for him to say something funny like he used to when he got that smiley look on his face. Something like, ‘I can see your house from up here,’ but that’s when he said, ‘Mummsy, there’s your son now.’
“And then, I swear he was looking straight at me, and said, ‘Take care of Mummsy.’  I couldn’t say anything at the time. I suddenly got this big lump in my throat and just nodded my head like an idiot.
“Then he said, ‘I’m thirsty.’ People started running all over pretending that they were looking for a Pepsi or something and then shoved a sponge of watery wine in his face.
“Then he looked out over the crowd and over the city and over the city wall and way out into the distance, and he sort of smiled again. Then he said, ‘It’s done,’ and he died. It was almost peaceful at the end.
“Later the soldiers came and broke the legs of the other guys to help them die faster because Passover was coming, or at least that’s what they said. Personally, I think that Pilate just wanted them to suffer more. They had already gone into that stuporous state before dying, and the broken legs brought them to for a little while.
“But when they came to the Jam-Man, he was already dead. When the soldier didn’t get to break his legs, he got ticked off and threw his spear into his side.
“Finally, Jesus came down from the cross. Joey the Moth (Joseph of Arimathea) and Nicky DiMaosi came and took him down. Then they took him to a nearby garden where Joey knew of a new tomb that had been recently dug. They prepared the body and sealed the tomb.
“We were a pretty sorry group that day. We were pretty sure that the good times weren’t going to roll any more. We found our way back down the hill without arousing the attention of the soldiers and made it back to the safe house. None of us thought that we would make it through the night without somebody diming us out, but of course nobody did.”
Looking out the window, Jack suddenly said, “Oh, man, it’s getting late! Mummsy’s going to be really ticked with us if we’re late for supper again. Bro’ Pete is coming tonight, and Mummsy is making her famous chicken casserole."

To which James retorted, "Hot dish!" 

Ignoring him, John continued, "Thanks for listening to me. There’s a lot more to tell, but we gotta go, just can’t miss supper tonight. Luv ya, man.”

Just like that, they were gone.

CORRECTION--JESUS LOVES! Retrospective Roominations

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

CORRECTION--JESUS LOVES!

Retrospective Roominations

by Jack D. Sypal

Dateline: Rome, April 13, 13:01:38

In this year of the double nickels, as our new emperor, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, continues to fiddle with Senate relations, foreign policy,  and social welfare inequalities at home; as cases of heartburn increase because our beloved emperor refuses to give up his music career and accept the responsibilities of governing the empire like an adult; as our most excellent emperor releases his Greatest Lyre Hits with original rap lyrics under the tag NC CAG & the Luminaries and fires up the crowds with his roof-top concerts (featuring hits like Nero, My God is Me; I Walk in the Garden when Stoned;  Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire; his Consort concert tribute to an old flame, Ablazing Grace; and the original groove of, Burning Down the House), this reporter thought to look back at some of the events that have helped to shape our world today.
One of the most consistent challenges to Roman authority continues to be The Way, that Jesus movement that gained great traction after the Jesus crucifixion event over twenty years ago. It has spread from a minor public execution site outside of Jerusalem to major urban centers throughout the kingdom including Rome itself. Six years have passed since Emperor Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus attempted to eradicate the insidious, insurrectionist movement by edict. That act failed; today, the movement seems to be alive and doing fine.
I originally hoped to interview some of the earliest Jesus followers before their stories vanish like smoke on the morning breeze, but did not expect to be able to interview a first shaper of what we have come to know as the Christian movement. I caught up with Brother Simon, aka Cephas, aka Peter (Bro’ Pete), in a little wine bar down the street from the Aetna Mountaineering Outfitters, Persian Rug Emporium, Ye Olde Turke Coffee Shoppe & Frank’s Sensible Perfumery owned and operated by Prisca and Aquilla.
After I bought a skinful of wine for Bro’ Pete, he started to regale me with some of the amazing fish stories of his life with Jesus of Nazareth and afterwards. Don’t let him get started on the tuna story. Following is his account of the sequence of events that led to what he affectionately calls The Rolling Stone GenExt.
Bro’ Pete claims, “It started one night when the bunch of us had reserved this private dining room above our local hangout in Jerusalem. All of us were there. There was Nate the Great (Nathaniel); Drew (Andrew); the bag man (Judas); Phil the Pill (Philip); Ditto (Thomas); me, of course (they called me Rocky in those days); and the Jam-Man. Most people thought we called him J.C., but he preferred Messiah. I know, Messiah means Christ, but Messiah was what he liked. J.M. was too hard to say, so we did what all good Jewish guys do with consonants, we added a vowel. Once the a got put in there, man just seemed a natural extension. And it really fit because he was always riffing on some old teaching and finding new ways of saying things—like jazz you know?
“Anyways, the Jam-Man and the rest of us guys were waiting for the servant girl; I think her name was Mandy—yeah, that was it, Mandy Tirsveh. She was supposed to come in and wash our feet, but nothing was happening. All of a sudden, the Jam-Man got up and started curtsying and was taking off his robe and stuff. It was pretty hilarious actually. Then he took a towel and tucked it into his waist band, took the basin of water and knelt down to do the washing himself.
“(By the way, do you know the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You can’t wash your feet in a buffalo. Pretty good, huh?)
“Okay then. When the Jam-Man got to me, I thought that I would yuck it up a little. I said, ‘Not just my feet. Wash my face and my hands, too.’ That’s when things got serious. It had all been good times up to then. We all knew the serious stuff was happening the next day, what with Passover and all, so we were just blowing off a little steam.
“Anyways, Mandy eventually showed up. She served the food, and supper was going along until the Jam Man said that one of us was going to betray him. Really, it would have been more accurate if he had said that we all were going to betray him because, you know, we all did. But when he told us that one of us was going to betray him, we all said that it couldn’t be one of us. Then, the Jam-Man dipped bread in the dessert wine and gave the first bite to the Bag Man. Then the Jam-Man said, ‘The betrayer has dipped his bread in the wine with me.’ And that was that. The Bag Man looked at all of us, and then he ran out of the room.
“I was feeling pretty large at the moment—a good meal, good wine, in the midst of my bros, and I had just dodged the bullet. Yeah, I was feeling pretty large. I said, ‘Now that that’s done, you know you can count on me. I’d never betray you. You know I’ve always got your back, don’t you?’
“That’s when he told me that I would deny him three times before the cock crowed. I told him that I would lay down my life for him! I meant it, too! I never intended to leave him in the lurch! I just got scared. Know what I mean?
“After the Bag Man left, the Jam-Man sat back and got all reflective. He kept looking at the door the Bag Man had left by, like he was waiting for him to come back, but he didn’t. Then he said, ‘You know I love you guys, don’t you? Well, I need to tell you this. You guys have some hard times ahead of you. My time is now, but your time is still coming. It’s important that you find ways to continue to love one another. Your love for one another is how the world is going to know you. So, remember to love one another.’
“And then, he looked even more distant than ever, like he’d had one glass of wine too many, and, in this far-off voice, he said, “Even Judas.” That shook us because he called him Judas and not the Bag Man. We all thought, like we wouldn’t love the Bag Man? The Bag Man was irritating and odd at times, but he was our little oddity, and we never doubted that he was one of us. How things can change…how things can change. We really didn’t know.
“Anyway, we got done with supper, and we went to the Garden. The Jam-Man got arrested when the soldiers and the temple police showed up.
“We started out following at a distance, and so we saw where they took him. One of us, Beloved, we called him—he was the secret disciple that kept us informed of stuff going on in the Jerusalem priesthood set—convinced the servant girl keeping the door that night into letting me in to the courtyard of Annas’ house.
“That’s when everything hit me. I was surrounded by all these soldiers and Jerusalem elites. I knew that they could have me arrested too by just raising their voices. So, when they asked if I was a disciple, I said, ‘No way.’
“So much for laying down my life, huh? It wasn’t bad enough that I denied being a disciple of his once, I did it three times. and then the rooster crowed.
“You know, the Jam-Man kept saying that his time was not up, his time wasn’t up, and then he suddenly changed his tune. Then it was, “My time is up. My time is now, and it’s going to be great, glorious, revealing.” We didn’t have a clue.
“Now, of course, I know what he meant. So much is clearer today. But back then? I didn’t have a clue. So many of us sat at that table that night, and none of us had a clue. But afterwards we got it—got it well enough to say that we could lay down our lives, not for the Jam-Man, he laid down his life for us—but to lay down our lives for the sake of those that come next.
“That’s why I like to call this movement The Rolling Stone GenExt. It’s all about making the difference for the kingdom today and preparing the kingdom for those who come next.
“I gotta tell you. The supper we had that night was great. Whenever I sit down with friends to a meal like that, I always remember the days of the Jam-Man, and it’s like he’s really there with me. It’s a little spooky, but it feels good. You know what I mean?
“Somehow or other though, I just can’t eat chicken anymore.
“Well, thanks for the wine. I gotta go. Luv ya, man,”
With that said, Bro Pete put the bota skin on the table, got up and walked away. He seemed to vanish in the crowd. Reports continue concerning Bro Pete’s activities in the area. Rumor has it that he will soon be a papa.