THOMAS GIVES JESUS THE FINGER

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

THOMAS GIVES JESUS THE FINGER 

by Jack D. Sypal

Dateline: Jerusalem, April 23, 20:19:31

This is the third in a series of interviews with first shapers in The Way, or as we know them today, Christians.  Earlier I covered conversations with Peter and with James and John.

This week I was fortunate enough to stumble across Thomas who was between trips to India. He was generous enough to give me some time as his acolytes unloaded burros with goods from India and then reloaded their packs for the pending journey back. I was intrigued by the number of woodworking tools they were packing and questioned Thomas about them.

It appears, even though he has very limited vision, that Thomas is a builder. He claims with a good plumb bob, an accurate square, a hand full of marbles, and a pan of water, even the blind are able to build. Working as a fisherman when he was recruited by Jesus the Messiah, aka Jam-Man, Thomas first learned the lessons of his rabbi and then his rabbi’s trade as a builder.

“I wouldn’t have believed that my building skills would be so important, but Raj Gondophares has commissioned me to build him a palace. So, I have come back to Jerusalem to get my tools. It’s not that they don’t make tools in India, but I’m used to these. They are the tools the Jam-Man also used and gave to me.

“Yeah, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.”

One of the first things you notice about Thomas is his vision. His eyes are milky white and he is almost sightless. He walks with one of his acolytes now, but he was most often seen walking with Jesus or one of the other disciples back in the day. His nicknames, Ditto or Didymus, even Thomas itself, meaning twin, were not given him because he was genetically related to one of them or anyone else for that matter; he was so-called because he was always connected to another disciple by touch.

“I know the guys say that I went to India because of a night vision, but the truth of the matter is that I just had a vision. The night and the day are both alike to me. Maybe it was at night.

“I wasn’t going to go, but the young man I was walking with that day ran off when this merchant and soldiers showed up. I felt a little like Samson for a while there. One minute I felt like I was in control of my life and my destiny, the next minute I was seized and made a slave for the entertainment of the merchant Abbanes.

“Abbanes took me to India; I started talking about the days of walking with the Jam-Man and how he had lifted me up from the life of drudgery and social death from my blindness and how he had taught me to build things; and, pretty soon, I was given permission to build a church.

“I’m sure that they didn’t believe that I could do it, but, when I did, people were really impressed and asked me to build another. Finally, Raj Gondophares told me to build him a palace.

“Okay, I’m back here in part to let the Raj cool off a little. He told me to build him a palace the gods would be proud of. When he said that, I recalled the young, rich kid that came to the Jam-Man that day. I didn’t think that I could convince the Raj any more than the Jam-Man could convince that kid…so, I decided to help the Raj along. I took his money and gave it to the poor. Each day when he would ask me how things were going, I told him that the work on his palace was progressing magnificently. One day he came out to see the palace, and, of course, nothing was there.

“When the Raj asked for the money back, I told him that I had spent it on building the palace that God would be proud of.

“‘But where is the palace?’ he asked me.

“I told him that I had given his money to the poor and that these people would be the living stones that would build for him a magnificent place in heaven.

“I guess Raj Gondophares doesn’t have a sense of humor and couldn’t appreciate the living conditions of the poor. He definitely didn’t get the Jam-Man’s memo about loving one another, so I decided to come home and get my tools while he cools off. I should really be able to show them how to build with my own tools in my hands.”

Asked about his tools, Thomas was more than willing to show them off. I was surprised at how well they seemed to fit his hands and how lovingly he handled them. I reminded him that he had said earlier that all he really needed was a square, a plumb bob, a hand full of marbles and a pan of water, and then indicated that I saw many more tools than that.

Thomas explained, “Well, of course you need more tools than that for all of the adornments, but plumb bob and square along with the marbles and the pan of water keep everything just so, you know.”

I understood the use of the plumb bob and the square, but asked him about the marbles and pan of water.

He clarified it for me. “Oh, yeah, put a marble on top of something you are building, and you can tell the lean by which way the marble rolls. The pan of water can tell you how far you’re off. If the water starts running out on one side, you know you’re in trouble. Then it’s time to do some serious shimming. Usually the marble is enough, but they can get away from you sometimes, and then you have to go looking for them. The pan of water is also more accurate. Sometimes I need to have one of my helpers check it out, but for the most part you can skim the palm of your hand over it and feel the variation on the walls of the pan. For the most part, the plumb bob and the square do the job. The rest is showing off.”

As interested as I am in these stories, I am most interested in those early days of The Way. In order to get back on track, I asked Thomas why he was known as Doubting Thomas, a term he dismissed.

“The guys never called me Doubting anything. That came from a bunch of people who didn’t want to believe that a blind guy could be part of the gang with the Jam-Man.

“You know, in those early days, soldiers were everywhere. They were looking for us because they claimed that we had stolen Messiah’s body in order to scam Rome. We had our safe house, really, it was just a safe room, where we gathered, but, too much activity around there, and it wouldn’t have been safe anymore. So, I volunteered to slip out at night when people wouldn’t be as likely to notice me moving around without a lantern or a torch ’cuz, like, I didn’t need one. I knew that part of town pretty well, and so I could get around by myself easily. All I needed to do was get away from there before it got too light and then not come back until after it was dark again.

“During the day, I could get the news and talk with some of my friends. Mostly I hung out with the beggars outside the temple or at one of the city gates. I liked the Dung Gate the best because the people were pretty friendly there. In this way, I picked up some change and bought food for the rest of the guys.

“I did say that I would lead any of them out, but they were pretty scared. Rocky was so full of self-recrimination I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t go and do the same thing the Bag Man had done. And the rest of them were suffering from extreme disillusionment.

“I was more interested in living and being around the living. That room got to be like a tomb of its own, and I’ll tell you, ten guys living in one room for any time at all makes the stink of the tomb smell sweet. Nate the Great had a particular issue with flatulence that made close confines challenging. Now you know how he got the great attached to his name.

“One night when I returned, the guys were all excited. They said that the Jam-Man had come and stood among them, that he had spoken with them and then breathed on them. Philip said that he didn’t even have halitosis like Lazarus had had.

“I told them that it was a nice try, but I wouldn’t believe them until I put my finger in the marks of the nails in his hands and put my hand in the hole in his side. I mean, that’s how a blind guy sees, ya know?

“So, it was a few days later when the Jam-Man showed again. One minute he wasn’t there, and then, all of a sudden, he was. When he called me, I wasn’t really sure that it was him. He sounded like himself…sort of…but…different. He told me to give him my finger, so I did. I gave him my reading finger and then knew it was him. From where I stood, the marks were just dark spots, but there is no way that you could fake those holes.

“Of course, I claimed him. It wasn’t so much that I had ever doubted him, but I did question the other guys. They’d pulled some fast ones on me before, but the Jam-Man, he always treated me like real people, ya know?

“There were so many political maneuverings in those days—the issue of Beloved, some trying to prove that the Jam-Man hadn’t risen, the ‘Gentiles are Welcome’ program, whether women were to be acknowledged as disciples. The thought of me being blind was just too much for many early followers to swallow, so they thought that it would be better to call me a doubter than blind, so to them I became Doubting Thomas.

“I mean, what do I care. I’m going back to India. I have my own life to live, and it is going to be a long way away from them. I’ll do fine as long as Raj Gondophares chills a little. I mean it’s not like he’s really going to miss the money.”

Before I could ask anything more, Thomas rushed on.

“I’m afraid that I’m going to have to go. Mummsy is over at John’s place, and a few of the other guys are back for a conference. Rocky’s supposed to be there with the other guy with sight trouble, Saul or Paul, something like that. He’s annoying because he never fully recovered from the flash blindness on the Damascus road, and he’s always talking about having the thorn in his flesh being removed and his self-consciousness about writing so big. I keep telling him to just get on with his life. You can’t live backwards—that’s like being dead. The Jam-Man is all about life and living. Maybe he’ll come around.

“In the meantime, Mummsy has probably made her famous chicken casserole again ’cuz Rocky’s going to be there. She really does know how to cook other things. You know, she’s a pretty good cook, but, somehow, she’s just got to push Rocky’s buttons.

“Well, it’s been nice talking. Luv ya, man.”

With that, Thomas got up and walked over to where his acolyte was waiting with his burro. He pushed his elbow out a little nudging Thomas. Thomas took his elbow and off they went.

CORRECTION--JESUS LOVES! Retrospective Roominations

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

CORRECTION--JESUS LOVES!

Retrospective Roominations

by Jack D. Sypal

Dateline: Rome, April 13, 13:01:38

In this year of the double nickels, as our new emperor, Nero Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, continues to fiddle with Senate relations, foreign policy,  and social welfare inequalities at home; as cases of heartburn increase because our beloved emperor refuses to give up his music career and accept the responsibilities of governing the empire like an adult; as our most excellent emperor releases his Greatest Lyre Hits with original rap lyrics under the tag NC CAG & the Luminaries and fires up the crowds with his roof-top concerts (featuring hits like Nero, My God is Me; I Walk in the Garden when Stoned;  Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire; his Consort concert tribute to an old flame, Ablazing Grace; and the original groove of, Burning Down the House), this reporter thought to look back at some of the events that have helped to shape our world today.
One of the most consistent challenges to Roman authority continues to be The Way, that Jesus movement that gained great traction after the Jesus crucifixion event over twenty years ago. It has spread from a minor public execution site outside of Jerusalem to major urban centers throughout the kingdom including Rome itself. Six years have passed since Emperor Tiberius Claudius Caesar Augustus Germanicus attempted to eradicate the insidious, insurrectionist movement by edict. That act failed; today, the movement seems to be alive and doing fine.
I originally hoped to interview some of the earliest Jesus followers before their stories vanish like smoke on the morning breeze, but did not expect to be able to interview a first shaper of what we have come to know as the Christian movement. I caught up with Brother Simon, aka Cephas, aka Peter (Bro’ Pete), in a little wine bar down the street from the Aetna Mountaineering Outfitters, Persian Rug Emporium, Ye Olde Turke Coffee Shoppe & Frank’s Sensible Perfumery owned and operated by Prisca and Aquilla.
After I bought a skinful of wine for Bro’ Pete, he started to regale me with some of the amazing fish stories of his life with Jesus of Nazareth and afterwards. Don’t let him get started on the tuna story. Following is his account of the sequence of events that led to what he affectionately calls The Rolling Stone GenExt.
Bro’ Pete claims, “It started one night when the bunch of us had reserved this private dining room above our local hangout in Jerusalem. All of us were there. There was Nate the Great (Nathaniel); Drew (Andrew); the bag man (Judas); Phil the Pill (Philip); Ditto (Thomas); me, of course (they called me Rocky in those days); and the Jam-Man. Most people thought we called him J.C., but he preferred Messiah. I know, Messiah means Christ, but Messiah was what he liked. J.M. was too hard to say, so we did what all good Jewish guys do with consonants, we added a vowel. Once the a got put in there, man just seemed a natural extension. And it really fit because he was always riffing on some old teaching and finding new ways of saying things—like jazz you know?
“Anyways, the Jam-Man and the rest of us guys were waiting for the servant girl; I think her name was Mandy—yeah, that was it, Mandy Tirsveh. She was supposed to come in and wash our feet, but nothing was happening. All of a sudden, the Jam-Man got up and started curtsying and was taking off his robe and stuff. It was pretty hilarious actually. Then he took a towel and tucked it into his waist band, took the basin of water and knelt down to do the washing himself.
“(By the way, do you know the difference between a bison and a buffalo? You can’t wash your feet in a buffalo. Pretty good, huh?)
“Okay then. When the Jam-Man got to me, I thought that I would yuck it up a little. I said, ‘Not just my feet. Wash my face and my hands, too.’ That’s when things got serious. It had all been good times up to then. We all knew the serious stuff was happening the next day, what with Passover and all, so we were just blowing off a little steam.
“Anyways, Mandy eventually showed up. She served the food, and supper was going along until the Jam Man said that one of us was going to betray him. Really, it would have been more accurate if he had said that we all were going to betray him because, you know, we all did. But when he told us that one of us was going to betray him, we all said that it couldn’t be one of us. Then, the Jam-Man dipped bread in the dessert wine and gave the first bite to the Bag Man. Then the Jam-Man said, ‘The betrayer has dipped his bread in the wine with me.’ And that was that. The Bag Man looked at all of us, and then he ran out of the room.
“I was feeling pretty large at the moment—a good meal, good wine, in the midst of my bros, and I had just dodged the bullet. Yeah, I was feeling pretty large. I said, ‘Now that that’s done, you know you can count on me. I’d never betray you. You know I’ve always got your back, don’t you?’
“That’s when he told me that I would deny him three times before the cock crowed. I told him that I would lay down my life for him! I meant it, too! I never intended to leave him in the lurch! I just got scared. Know what I mean?
“After the Bag Man left, the Jam-Man sat back and got all reflective. He kept looking at the door the Bag Man had left by, like he was waiting for him to come back, but he didn’t. Then he said, ‘You know I love you guys, don’t you? Well, I need to tell you this. You guys have some hard times ahead of you. My time is now, but your time is still coming. It’s important that you find ways to continue to love one another. Your love for one another is how the world is going to know you. So, remember to love one another.’
“And then, he looked even more distant than ever, like he’d had one glass of wine too many, and, in this far-off voice, he said, “Even Judas.” That shook us because he called him Judas and not the Bag Man. We all thought, like we wouldn’t love the Bag Man? The Bag Man was irritating and odd at times, but he was our little oddity, and we never doubted that he was one of us. How things can change…how things can change. We really didn’t know.
“Anyway, we got done with supper, and we went to the Garden. The Jam-Man got arrested when the soldiers and the temple police showed up.
“We started out following at a distance, and so we saw where they took him. One of us, Beloved, we called him—he was the secret disciple that kept us informed of stuff going on in the Jerusalem priesthood set—convinced the servant girl keeping the door that night into letting me in to the courtyard of Annas’ house.
“That’s when everything hit me. I was surrounded by all these soldiers and Jerusalem elites. I knew that they could have me arrested too by just raising their voices. So, when they asked if I was a disciple, I said, ‘No way.’
“So much for laying down my life, huh? It wasn’t bad enough that I denied being a disciple of his once, I did it three times. and then the rooster crowed.
“You know, the Jam-Man kept saying that his time was not up, his time wasn’t up, and then he suddenly changed his tune. Then it was, “My time is up. My time is now, and it’s going to be great, glorious, revealing.” We didn’t have a clue.
“Now, of course, I know what he meant. So much is clearer today. But back then? I didn’t have a clue. So many of us sat at that table that night, and none of us had a clue. But afterwards we got it—got it well enough to say that we could lay down our lives, not for the Jam-Man, he laid down his life for us—but to lay down our lives for the sake of those that come next.
“That’s why I like to call this movement The Rolling Stone GenExt. It’s all about making the difference for the kingdom today and preparing the kingdom for those who come next.
“I gotta tell you. The supper we had that night was great. Whenever I sit down with friends to a meal like that, I always remember the days of the Jam-Man, and it’s like he’s really there with me. It’s a little spooky, but it feels good. You know what I mean?
“Somehow or other though, I just can’t eat chicken anymore.
“Well, thanks for the wine. I gotta go. Luv ya, man,”
With that said, Bro Pete put the bota skin on the table, got up and walked away. He seemed to vanish in the crowd. Reports continue concerning Bro Pete’s activities in the area. Rumor has it that he will soon be a papa.