THOMAS GIVES JESUS THE FINGER

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

THOMAS GIVES JESUS THE FINGER 

by Jack D. Sypal

Dateline: Jerusalem, April 23, 20:19:31

This is the third in a series of interviews with first shapers in The Way, or as we know them today, Christians.  Earlier I covered conversations with Peter and with James and John.

This week I was fortunate enough to stumble across Thomas who was between trips to India. He was generous enough to give me some time as his acolytes unloaded burros with goods from India and then reloaded their packs for the pending journey back. I was intrigued by the number of woodworking tools they were packing and questioned Thomas about them.

It appears, even though he has very limited vision, that Thomas is a builder. He claims with a good plumb bob, an accurate square, a hand full of marbles, and a pan of water, even the blind are able to build. Working as a fisherman when he was recruited by Jesus the Messiah, aka Jam-Man, Thomas first learned the lessons of his rabbi and then his rabbi’s trade as a builder.

“I wouldn’t have believed that my building skills would be so important, but Raj Gondophares has commissioned me to build him a palace. So, I have come back to Jerusalem to get my tools. It’s not that they don’t make tools in India, but I’m used to these. They are the tools the Jam-Man also used and gave to me.

“Yeah, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.”

One of the first things you notice about Thomas is his vision. His eyes are milky white and he is almost sightless. He walks with one of his acolytes now, but he was most often seen walking with Jesus or one of the other disciples back in the day. His nicknames, Ditto or Didymus, even Thomas itself, meaning twin, were not given him because he was genetically related to one of them or anyone else for that matter; he was so-called because he was always connected to another disciple by touch.

“I know the guys say that I went to India because of a night vision, but the truth of the matter is that I just had a vision. The night and the day are both alike to me. Maybe it was at night.

“I wasn’t going to go, but the young man I was walking with that day ran off when this merchant and soldiers showed up. I felt a little like Samson for a while there. One minute I felt like I was in control of my life and my destiny, the next minute I was seized and made a slave for the entertainment of the merchant Abbanes.

“Abbanes took me to India; I started talking about the days of walking with the Jam-Man and how he had lifted me up from the life of drudgery and social death from my blindness and how he had taught me to build things; and, pretty soon, I was given permission to build a church.

“I’m sure that they didn’t believe that I could do it, but, when I did, people were really impressed and asked me to build another. Finally, Raj Gondophares told me to build him a palace.

“Okay, I’m back here in part to let the Raj cool off a little. He told me to build him a palace the gods would be proud of. When he said that, I recalled the young, rich kid that came to the Jam-Man that day. I didn’t think that I could convince the Raj any more than the Jam-Man could convince that kid…so, I decided to help the Raj along. I took his money and gave it to the poor. Each day when he would ask me how things were going, I told him that the work on his palace was progressing magnificently. One day he came out to see the palace, and, of course, nothing was there.

“When the Raj asked for the money back, I told him that I had spent it on building the palace that God would be proud of.

“‘But where is the palace?’ he asked me.

“I told him that I had given his money to the poor and that these people would be the living stones that would build for him a magnificent place in heaven.

“I guess Raj Gondophares doesn’t have a sense of humor and couldn’t appreciate the living conditions of the poor. He definitely didn’t get the Jam-Man’s memo about loving one another, so I decided to come home and get my tools while he cools off. I should really be able to show them how to build with my own tools in my hands.”

Asked about his tools, Thomas was more than willing to show them off. I was surprised at how well they seemed to fit his hands and how lovingly he handled them. I reminded him that he had said earlier that all he really needed was a square, a plumb bob, a hand full of marbles and a pan of water, and then indicated that I saw many more tools than that.

Thomas explained, “Well, of course you need more tools than that for all of the adornments, but plumb bob and square along with the marbles and the pan of water keep everything just so, you know.”

I understood the use of the plumb bob and the square, but asked him about the marbles and pan of water.

He clarified it for me. “Oh, yeah, put a marble on top of something you are building, and you can tell the lean by which way the marble rolls. The pan of water can tell you how far you’re off. If the water starts running out on one side, you know you’re in trouble. Then it’s time to do some serious shimming. Usually the marble is enough, but they can get away from you sometimes, and then you have to go looking for them. The pan of water is also more accurate. Sometimes I need to have one of my helpers check it out, but for the most part you can skim the palm of your hand over it and feel the variation on the walls of the pan. For the most part, the plumb bob and the square do the job. The rest is showing off.”

As interested as I am in these stories, I am most interested in those early days of The Way. In order to get back on track, I asked Thomas why he was known as Doubting Thomas, a term he dismissed.

“The guys never called me Doubting anything. That came from a bunch of people who didn’t want to believe that a blind guy could be part of the gang with the Jam-Man.

“You know, in those early days, soldiers were everywhere. They were looking for us because they claimed that we had stolen Messiah’s body in order to scam Rome. We had our safe house, really, it was just a safe room, where we gathered, but, too much activity around there, and it wouldn’t have been safe anymore. So, I volunteered to slip out at night when people wouldn’t be as likely to notice me moving around without a lantern or a torch ’cuz, like, I didn’t need one. I knew that part of town pretty well, and so I could get around by myself easily. All I needed to do was get away from there before it got too light and then not come back until after it was dark again.

“During the day, I could get the news and talk with some of my friends. Mostly I hung out with the beggars outside the temple or at one of the city gates. I liked the Dung Gate the best because the people were pretty friendly there. In this way, I picked up some change and bought food for the rest of the guys.

“I did say that I would lead any of them out, but they were pretty scared. Rocky was so full of self-recrimination I wasn’t sure that he wouldn’t go and do the same thing the Bag Man had done. And the rest of them were suffering from extreme disillusionment.

“I was more interested in living and being around the living. That room got to be like a tomb of its own, and I’ll tell you, ten guys living in one room for any time at all makes the stink of the tomb smell sweet. Nate the Great had a particular issue with flatulence that made close confines challenging. Now you know how he got the great attached to his name.

“One night when I returned, the guys were all excited. They said that the Jam-Man had come and stood among them, that he had spoken with them and then breathed on them. Philip said that he didn’t even have halitosis like Lazarus had had.

“I told them that it was a nice try, but I wouldn’t believe them until I put my finger in the marks of the nails in his hands and put my hand in the hole in his side. I mean, that’s how a blind guy sees, ya know?

“So, it was a few days later when the Jam-Man showed again. One minute he wasn’t there, and then, all of a sudden, he was. When he called me, I wasn’t really sure that it was him. He sounded like himself…sort of…but…different. He told me to give him my finger, so I did. I gave him my reading finger and then knew it was him. From where I stood, the marks were just dark spots, but there is no way that you could fake those holes.

“Of course, I claimed him. It wasn’t so much that I had ever doubted him, but I did question the other guys. They’d pulled some fast ones on me before, but the Jam-Man, he always treated me like real people, ya know?

“There were so many political maneuverings in those days—the issue of Beloved, some trying to prove that the Jam-Man hadn’t risen, the ‘Gentiles are Welcome’ program, whether women were to be acknowledged as disciples. The thought of me being blind was just too much for many early followers to swallow, so they thought that it would be better to call me a doubter than blind, so to them I became Doubting Thomas.

“I mean, what do I care. I’m going back to India. I have my own life to live, and it is going to be a long way away from them. I’ll do fine as long as Raj Gondophares chills a little. I mean it’s not like he’s really going to miss the money.”

Before I could ask anything more, Thomas rushed on.

“I’m afraid that I’m going to have to go. Mummsy is over at John’s place, and a few of the other guys are back for a conference. Rocky’s supposed to be there with the other guy with sight trouble, Saul or Paul, something like that. He’s annoying because he never fully recovered from the flash blindness on the Damascus road, and he’s always talking about having the thorn in his flesh being removed and his self-consciousness about writing so big. I keep telling him to just get on with his life. You can’t live backwards—that’s like being dead. The Jam-Man is all about life and living. Maybe he’ll come around.

“In the meantime, Mummsy has probably made her famous chicken casserole again ’cuz Rocky’s going to be there. She really does know how to cook other things. You know, she’s a pretty good cook, but, somehow, she’s just got to push Rocky’s buttons.

“Well, it’s been nice talking. Luv ya, man.”

With that, Thomas got up and walked over to where his acolyte was waiting with his burro. He pushed his elbow out a little nudging Thomas. Thomas took his elbow and off they went.

Jesus Comes Down

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

JESUS COMES DOWN FROM THE CROSS!!!

by Jack D. Sypal

Dateline: Jerusalem, April 14, 18:01:19:42

I was sitting at my desk yesterday, cleaning up some details left over from my conversation with Bro’ Pete, when a commotion erupted in the outer patio of The AngelUS Trumpet. It turned out to be the Thunder Brothers, James and John. Having read Bro’ Pete’s interview in yesterday’s paper, they claimed to be enraged, making charges that “Bro’ Pete always thinks the story is about him” and “He leaves out half of the info!” Demanding equal time, John said, “Everybody knows that the Jam-Man loved me best.”
“No way,” James retorted.
John challenged, “Way. If he didn’t love me best, then why did he entrust the care of Mummsy to me? Answer me that, if you can?”
“Are you going to pull that, ‘The Jam-Man entrusted Mummsy to me’ thing again? You know that is because you were the only one who managed to slip past the guards. And why was that? Let me tell you why. It was because I was distracting them. Yeah, that’s right. I was distracting the guards so that the rest of you could sneak in and find out what was happening. Don’t give me this, ‘The Jam-Man loved me best,’ camel spit. He loved all of us.”
John mumbled, “Yeah, but he loved me best.”
James said, “We can argue about that later.”
Addressing me finally, James said, “What we want is equal time. All you got was the part that Rocky told you. There is so much more. And yeah, Little Brother here is the one to tell you because I distracted the guards so that he could be there. Tell him, Little Brother.”
“Okay, okay, but quit calling me Little Brother. And none of this ‘Little John” or Johnny stuff. You know I prefer Jack. “
Turning to me, James said, “Hey, Jack, you don’t know Jack, do ya? Well, this is my brother. He thinks that he’s Jack.”
“Stop that. I can do without your sniping and innuendos.”
“What?’ James queried. ‘I didn’t say anything; I just introduced you.”
John replied, “You know what Mom always says, ‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’”
James said, “Just get on with the story.”
“All in good time. Let me tell it my way. Were you there when they crucified him? Were you there when they nailed him to the tree? Were you there when they pierced him in the side? Were you there when they laid him in the tomb? No! Let me tell you, sometimes it causes me to tremble, so let me catch my breath before I tell the story.
“Well, you already know that we met in the upper room for the Jam-Man’s last supper. We didn’t know it then, but that’s what it turned out to be. And you know that the Jam-Man was arrested. You know that Rocky and the Bag Man bailed on him. What you don’t know is that we didn’t so much ditch the Jam-Man as we were being chased. We had the safe room to go to, but we didn’t want to lead any of the soldiers or the temple guards to the house, so we just kept running until we thought that we had shaken them.
“By that time, the trial was pretty much over. Annas had grilled the Jam-Man; Caiphas had gotten his hooks into him; and then they turned him over to Governor Pilate. He was a real piece of work, I’ll tell you. He was one of the most sadistic S.O… people you’d ever want to meet. He could give Caligula some lessons, I tell you.
“But you gotta understand. It was near Passover. People had been coming to town for weeks. There wasn’t a room left to be had. Tiberius had been pretty heavy-handed with the taxes that year, and the Governor was exercising the full power of Roman law.
“Just to show how much power he had, he issued a proclamation that stated, aside from natural causes, Rome had the power of life and death over us. Executions were only allowed if Roman authority had approved them. That’s why Caiphas and his lackeys had to turn the Jam-Man over to the governor. If they had just stoned him, Pilate could have had them crucified instead. It was all so political. Faith and purity of the holy law had nothing to do with it. It was all about power, and who wielded the whip. There were lots of sticks in those days. Very few carrots.
“Anyways, people all over town were afraid. There was more than enough unrest in the streets. People were expecting riots. Tempers were at the boiling point. Both the Romans and the Judeans had a blood lust going. Something had to happen to relieve the pressure.
“So, as I was saying, the Jam-Man was being interrogated by Pilate. That’s what they called it anyways. From time to time, Governor Pilate would come out to see what was happening with the crowd. Each time he came out to talk to the crowd, the crowd had gotten a little bigger.
“And each time the governor looked more nervous. You see, he didn’t want to kill a favored son of the district for fear of revolution. He didn’t want to not kill the Jam-Man because everybody was talking about the Jam-Man as being a King. You know, because they had crowned him the Fools' King in the parade just a few days before. But a king is a king, and the governor couldn’t let it get back to Rome that he was letting another king rule one of Tiberius’ provinces.
“Anyways, the governor said that he just wanted the truth. The Jam-Man tried to tell him that truth is not knowing what truth is, but who truth is, and that he [the Jam-Man] had tried to clear that up weeks ago.
“We got this information from Beloved. I wish I could tell who sh…, he is, but there are still people looking for he…him. The Romans are not happy about some of the leaks that managed to escape from the governor’s palace at the time so Beloved’s identity still needs to be protected. I mean, if people suddenly pushed me on revealing he…his identity I might have to say it is you.
“At any rate, Beloved was able to tell us about the trial and witnessed the treatment of the Roman soldiers—how they dressed him up and beat on him. They made that stupid crown of thorns and put that purple legion robe on him. Then they brought him out to the crowd looking like the Fools' King again, and the people thought that it was all a game. Suddenly the pressure was off. Somehow it wasn’t real, but it was.
“So, when the crowd cried out to crucify him, the governor turned him over to the crowd. Everyone did the little wink-wink thing, but we all knew what was happening.
“So, they took him out to Golgatha [the skull], and they crucified him. There were some other guys that were crucified that day too. You know Rome always wants to go big or go home. Mass executions are A-OK with them, and so the day went on.
“Yeah, James distracted the guards so that some of us could get up there. There was the couple from Cana, Ben and Geri, who came to tell the Jam-Man that Geri was pregnant and that they were going to name their child after him and my brother—Jesse James, if it was a boy, and Jessica Jane, if it was a girl. There was Timaeus, the official whose son was healed; Lazy Larry, who the Jam-Man told to pick up his beggar’s mat and go home; Little Sol, who had the fish and bread that day; I. Seituwell; and Lazarus; besides Mummsy, Clopas’ wife, and Mary Magdalene. Oh, yeah, I was there too.
“We were all standing there in a group, horrified, like we were snake-bit or something, when he saw us. He sorta smiled. I was waiting for him to say something funny like he used to when he got that smiley look on his face. Something like, ‘I can see your house from up here,’ but that’s when he said, ‘Mummsy, there’s your son now.’
“And then, I swear he was looking straight at me, and said, ‘Take care of Mummsy.’  I couldn’t say anything at the time. I suddenly got this big lump in my throat and just nodded my head like an idiot.
“Then he said, ‘I’m thirsty.’ People started running all over pretending that they were looking for a Pepsi or something and then shoved a sponge of watery wine in his face.
“Then he looked out over the crowd and over the city and over the city wall and way out into the distance, and he sort of smiled again. Then he said, ‘It’s done,’ and he died. It was almost peaceful at the end.
“Later the soldiers came and broke the legs of the other guys to help them die faster because Passover was coming, or at least that’s what they said. Personally, I think that Pilate just wanted them to suffer more. They had already gone into that stuporous state before dying, and the broken legs brought them to for a little while.
“But when they came to the Jam-Man, he was already dead. When the soldier didn’t get to break his legs, he got ticked off and threw his spear into his side.
“Finally, Jesus came down from the cross. Joey the Moth (Joseph of Arimathea) and Nicky DiMaosi came and took him down. Then they took him to a nearby garden where Joey knew of a new tomb that had been recently dug. They prepared the body and sealed the tomb.
“We were a pretty sorry group that day. We were pretty sure that the good times weren’t going to roll any more. We found our way back down the hill without arousing the attention of the soldiers and made it back to the safe house. None of us thought that we would make it through the night without somebody diming us out, but of course nobody did.”
Looking out the window, Jack suddenly said, “Oh, man, it’s getting late! Mummsy’s going to be really ticked with us if we’re late for supper again. Bro’ Pete is coming tonight, and Mummsy is making her famous chicken casserole."

To which James retorted, "Hot dish!" 

Ignoring him, John continued, "Thanks for listening to me. There’s a lot more to tell, but we gotta go, just can’t miss supper tonight. Luv ya, man.”

Just like that, they were gone.