The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts
JESUS COMES DOWN FROM THE CROSS!!!
by Jack D. Sypal
Dateline: Jerusalem, April 14, 18:01:19:42
I was sitting at my desk yesterday, cleaning up some details left over from my conversation with Bro’ Pete, when a commotion erupted in the outer patio of The AngelUS Trumpet. It turned out to be the Thunder Brothers, James and John. Having read Bro’ Pete’s interview in yesterday’s paper, they claimed to be enraged, making charges that “Bro’ Pete always thinks the story is about him” and “He leaves out half of the info!” Demanding equal time, John said, “Everybody knows that the Jam-Man loved me best.”
“No way,” James retorted.
John challenged, “Way. If he didn’t love me best, then why did he entrust the care of Mummsy to me? Answer me that, if you can?”
“Are you going to pull that, ‘The Jam-Man entrusted Mummsy to me’ thing again? You know that is because you were the only one who managed to slip past the guards. And why was that? Let me tell you why. It was because I was distracting them. Yeah, that’s right. I was distracting the guards so that the rest of you could sneak in and find out what was happening. Don’t give me this, ‘The Jam-Man loved me best,’ camel spit. He loved all of us.”
John mumbled, “Yeah, but he loved me best.”
James said, “We can argue about that later.”
Addressing me finally, James said, “What we want is equal time. All you got was the part that Rocky told you. There is so much more. And yeah, Little Brother here is the one to tell you because I distracted the guards so that he could be there. Tell him, Little Brother.”
“Okay, okay, but quit calling me Little Brother. And none of this ‘Little John” or Johnny stuff. You know I prefer Jack. “
Turning to me, James said, “Hey, Jack, you don’t know Jack, do ya? Well, this is my brother. He thinks that he’s Jack.”
“Stop that. I can do without your sniping and innuendos.”
“What?’ James queried. ‘I didn’t say anything; I just introduced you.”
John replied, “You know what Mom always says, ‘It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.’”
James said, “Just get on with the story.”
“All in good time. Let me tell it my way. Were you there when they crucified him? Were you there when they nailed him to the tree? Were you there when they pierced him in the side? Were you there when they laid him in the tomb? No! Let me tell you, sometimes it causes me to tremble, so let me catch my breath before I tell the story.
“Well, you already know that we met in the upper room for the Jam-Man’s last supper. We didn’t know it then, but that’s what it turned out to be. And you know that the Jam-Man was arrested. You know that Rocky and the Bag Man bailed on him. What you don’t know is that we didn’t so much ditch the Jam-Man as we were being chased. We had the safe room to go to, but we didn’t want to lead any of the soldiers or the temple guards to the house, so we just kept running until we thought that we had shaken them.
“By that time, the trial was pretty much over. Annas had grilled the Jam-Man; Caiphas had gotten his hooks into him; and then they turned him over to Governor Pilate. He was a real piece of work, I’ll tell you. He was one of the most sadistic S.O… people you’d ever want to meet. He could give Caligula some lessons, I tell you.
“But you gotta understand. It was near Passover. People had been coming to town for weeks. There wasn’t a room left to be had. Tiberius had been pretty heavy-handed with the taxes that year, and the Governor was exercising the full power of Roman law.
“Just to show how much power he had, he issued a proclamation that stated, aside from natural causes, Rome had the power of life and death over us. Executions were only allowed if Roman authority had approved them. That’s why Caiphas and his lackeys had to turn the Jam-Man over to the governor. If they had just stoned him, Pilate could have had them crucified instead. It was all so political. Faith and purity of the holy law had nothing to do with it. It was all about power, and who wielded the whip. There were lots of sticks in those days. Very few carrots.
“Anyways, people all over town were afraid. There was more than enough unrest in the streets. People were expecting riots. Tempers were at the boiling point. Both the Romans and the Judeans had a blood lust going. Something had to happen to relieve the pressure.
“So, as I was saying, the Jam-Man was being interrogated by Pilate. That’s what they called it anyways. From time to time, Governor Pilate would come out to see what was happening with the crowd. Each time he came out to talk to the crowd, the crowd had gotten a little bigger.
“And each time the governor looked more nervous. You see, he didn’t want to kill a favored son of the district for fear of revolution. He didn’t want to not kill the Jam-Man because everybody was talking about the Jam-Man as being a King. You know, because they had crowned him the Fools' King in the parade just a few days before. But a king is a king, and the governor couldn’t let it get back to Rome that he was letting another king rule one of Tiberius’ provinces.
“Anyways, the governor said that he just wanted the truth. The Jam-Man tried to tell him that truth is not knowing what truth is, but who truth is, and that he [the Jam-Man] had tried to clear that up weeks ago.
“We got this information from Beloved. I wish I could tell who sh…, he is, but there are still people looking for he…him. The Romans are not happy about some of the leaks that managed to escape from the governor’s palace at the time so Beloved’s identity still needs to be protected. I mean, if people suddenly pushed me on revealing he…his identity I might have to say it is you.
“At any rate, Beloved was able to tell us about the trial and witnessed the treatment of the Roman soldiers—how they dressed him up and beat on him. They made that stupid crown of thorns and put that purple legion robe on him. Then they brought him out to the crowd looking like the Fools' King again, and the people thought that it was all a game. Suddenly the pressure was off. Somehow it wasn’t real, but it was.
“So, when the crowd cried out to crucify him, the governor turned him over to the crowd. Everyone did the little wink-wink thing, but we all knew what was happening.
“So, they took him out to Golgatha [the skull], and they crucified him. There were some other guys that were crucified that day too. You know Rome always wants to go big or go home. Mass executions are A-OK with them, and so the day went on.
“Yeah, James distracted the guards so that some of us could get up there. There was the couple from Cana, Ben and Geri, who came to tell the Jam-Man that Geri was pregnant and that they were going to name their child after him and my brother—Jesse James, if it was a boy, and Jessica Jane, if it was a girl. There was Timaeus, the official whose son was healed; Lazy Larry, who the Jam-Man told to pick up his beggar’s mat and go home; Little Sol, who had the fish and bread that day; I. Seituwell; and Lazarus; besides Mummsy, Clopas’ wife, and Mary Magdalene. Oh, yeah, I was there too.
“We were all standing there in a group, horrified, like we were snake-bit or something, when he saw us. He sorta smiled. I was waiting for him to say something funny like he used to when he got that smiley look on his face. Something like, ‘I can see your house from up here,’ but that’s when he said, ‘Mummsy, there’s your son now.’
“And then, I swear he was looking straight at me, and said, ‘Take care of Mummsy.’ I couldn’t say anything at the time. I suddenly got this big lump in my throat and just nodded my head like an idiot.
“Then he said, ‘I’m thirsty.’ People started running all over pretending that they were looking for a Pepsi or something and then shoved a sponge of watery wine in his face.
“Then he looked out over the crowd and over the city and over the city wall and way out into the distance, and he sort of smiled again. Then he said, ‘It’s done,’ and he died. It was almost peaceful at the end.
“Later the soldiers came and broke the legs of the other guys to help them die faster because Passover was coming, or at least that’s what they said. Personally, I think that Pilate just wanted them to suffer more. They had already gone into that stuporous state before dying, and the broken legs brought them to for a little while.
“But when they came to the Jam-Man, he was already dead. When the soldier didn’t get to break his legs, he got ticked off and threw his spear into his side.
“Finally, Jesus came down from the cross. Joey the Moth (Joseph of Arimathea) and Nicky DiMaosi came and took him down. Then they took him to a nearby garden where Joey knew of a new tomb that had been recently dug. They prepared the body and sealed the tomb.
“We were a pretty sorry group that day. We were pretty sure that the good times weren’t going to roll any more. We found our way back down the hill without arousing the attention of the soldiers and made it back to the safe house. None of us thought that we would make it through the night without somebody diming us out, but of course nobody did.”
Looking out the window, Jack suddenly said, “Oh, man, it’s getting late! Mummsy’s going to be really ticked with us if we’re late for supper again. Bro’ Pete is coming tonight, and Mummsy is making her famous chicken casserole."
To which James retorted, "Hot dish!"
Ignoring him, John continued, "Thanks for listening to me. There’s a lot more to tell, but
we gotta go, just can’t miss supper tonight. Luv ya, man.”
Just like that, they were gone.
No comments:
Post a Comment