Former Dead Guy Suing Jesus Also!

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Former Dead Guy Suing Jesus Also!

Dateline: Bethany, April 2, 11:01:12:11

by Jack D. Sypal

Late Friday, Lazarus of Bethany, who we reported Jesus has brought back from the dead, joined I. Seituwell in suing Jesus for unwanted care. There seems to be considerable pushback against this miracle worker’s activities. Speculation has arisen that Lazarus and Seituwell may join forces with others in a class action suit. As political tensions rise and governmental pressures come to bear, could-be followers may choose to seek deep-pocket recompense.

Following is an interview account of the latest person to lay claim against Jesus.

“I mean, I thought [Jesus and I] were close. We had this real bromance going. So, when I was told that Jesus was going off without me, I was really hurt, like cut to the core hurt. I thought that we had something special going on there, and then he was gone with the rest of the guys.

“It wasn’t long after they left me, I was feeling pretty low, and then I got sick. I felt pretty lousy and had to go to bed for the day. My sisters, Mary and Martha, came in with some of that good Jewish penicillin around supper time, but it didn’t seem to be very appetizing. And if you know my sisters’ cooking, you would understand how unusual that was. In the middle of the night, I got this terrible stomachache and sweat started pouring out of me. That is about the last thing I remember for a while.

“My sisters would tell me they sent a message for Jesus to come, but no … I don’t know, maybe the message got crossed up or something, but he thought that he would hang for a couple of days.

Apparently, I got a lot worse. My temperature went sky high. I remember some time on the second day it felt like someone poured ice water in my belly. It hurt a lot; it was excruciating! When I asked my sisters about Jesus, they shook their heads. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t come.

“The next thing I remember, I was being called out. I was in this really peaceful place. I didn’t have any pain, and I was just totally chill, ya know? And then, this annoying voice started calling me out. I really just wanted to lay there. Then I noticed this stink. It was awful. It was sort of like being down at the slaughter yard on a hot day, standing near the fresh hides on one side and the blood pool and feces on the other. Yeah, it was pretty bad.

“And that voice kept nagging me, ‘Lazarus; come out, Lazarus; come out.’

“I finally recognized the voice as my man, but I thought, ‘What the hell? Why is he calling me now? He was the one who left me behind.’

“But finally, the smell got to me and I had to get out of there. That’s when I discovered that I was the smell. When I got out of the cave, I was struck by the sun, and the stench really took on a life of its own. And then I got a whiff of my own breath. Lord have mercy! It was enough to blow a fly off a gut-wagon. You know what I mean?

“Finally, people came and started stripping the wrappings off of me. I had to show my nakedness before all of those people. Public nudity is one thing, but I had pustules erupting on my body and skin sloughing going on. It was pretty disgusting.

“Most people looked at me with horror. They were petulantly pronouncing prognostications of pernicious, purulent, pustule pestilence. Penitents were prostrating themselves on the property, proposing persistent, pietistic popcorn-prayers of propitiation. Everyone was trying to hold their noses, and as soon as they could, they built a proper pyre for burning everything I had on. Even that smelled pretty preposterous.

“I spent hours in the bath trying to scrub the stink off, but after my skin started sliding off, I resorted to wiping my body off in nard. It didn’t get rid of the smell, but it masked it pretty well.

“Everybody thought that it was so cool; that I should be so thankful, but somehow, when I really needed [Jesus], he didn’t show. When I didn’t need him anymore, then he showed up, to do what? Leave me again?

“A couple of nights ago, my sisters invited him to supper; ‘To thank him,’ they said. Apparently I was still smelling pretty bad, so Mary went and got my nard and covered Jesus’ feet with it. The fragrance filled the whole house

“All I could think was, ‘Thanks, sis. Now what am I supposed to do tomorrow?’ I mean the stuff isn’t cheap. We may be wealthy, but we aren’t rich, if you know what I mean.

“Today I find out that there’s a contract out on me. Half the people are treating me like I’m a god, which I’m not; and the other half of the people treat me like I’m this zombie creature who will hex them for the rest of their lives, which I won’t. I can’t go back to work. I’m not even able to hang with my friends. It feels like the bromance is truly over, and I can’t get rid of this stink. If I can’t get my life back, I want pay back.”

What does resurrection mean? Luke 20:27-38

Before I begin, how many of you have thought about the willingness of the seventh brother on the eve of his wedding? When I was in catechism and had to study this story as a means of getting us to talk about what the resurrection meant to us, I have to admit that the only thing I could think of was, “How dumb are these guys?” I was 14, and I knew that I would be heading for the hills if I were the seventh brother. Actually, I thought that I might be on the road if I were the fourth brother. I imagined that I didn’t really like my third brother, so I didn’t want to warn him, but I knew my place. I had no idea about the resurrection and what it meant, but I knew that I would have serious concerns about my future wife’s mental health.

Although this is the alternate text for All Saint’s Sunday, I feel that it is wonderfully appropriate that we read this parable today. How wonderfully rich to question life in the resurrection at this time in particular as we celebrate All Saints Sunday. So let us consider this brazen affront to Jesus and to our faith in this time of grateful remembrance.

Within the context of this day and the challenge of this text, we are confronted with “What does the resurrection mean?” We have to understand that life after death was not a new idea in Jesus’ time. But that there was a debate between some Jewish people about life after death. Those who only read the Books of Moses, thought that there was no after life. The Sadducees were part of this group, but they were already in the minority in Jesus’ time. Many of the cultures around the Mediterranean Sea and around the world already believed in an afterlife, but they would be vastly different from what our Christian understanding of heaven is.

The Greeks had hades, a place where warriors could fight and die day after day, only to awaken the next day to fight again. Okay, it wasn’t all that great for women and children, but none-the-less, they had a place of life after death.

The Egyptians had the great necropolis, the city of the righteous dead, who passed the judgment of Osiris, where they lived in comfort, served by those who were righteous enough but not the most righteous. They ate well and were able to take many of their earthly riches with them. Life in the necropolis was highly ordered and reflected the order of the society and culture they had lived in during this life time. It was a great place for the wealthy who had many possessions to bring with them, but not so hot for the poor.

The Norse had their own twist on life after death with Valhalla. It was a place of drinking and fighting, with valorous storytelling and songs, great feasts, and dancing. It was not a place where women faired very well either. They were expected to cook the meals, brew the beer and mead, serve at the tables, clean the victory halls and entertain the men throughout eternity. Women were sent to Valhalla with their men as sacrifices. Children need not apply.

These conceptions of the afterlife were highly restrictive. Only the best of the best were welcomed. At best it was a segregated space for the elite of the world. It reminds me of the story. When this man died, Saint Peter welcomed the person at the pearly gate and said, “Well, there are several places in heaven that you might want to live in throughout eternity. So, let me show you around. He and the person went from place to place. Saint Peter was excited to point out the high points of each place and why the person might choose that location. As they were walking along one of the golden paths, Saint Peter suddenly said, “Now you are going to have to be very quiet until we get to the other side of those trees.”

The person wanted to ask why, but Saint Peter put his finger over his lips. As they tip-toed by, the man saw all kinds of people singing and laughing, playing games and having a picnic. It really looked like a lot of fun.

So when they got beyond the trees, the person finally blurted out, “Why did I have to be quiet there. They were making more than enough noise by themselves. I doubt that they could have heard me if I shouted. What’s the deal?”

Saint Peter said, “We have to be quiet because they are the pious Lutherans and they think that they are the only ones up here.

These stories of heaven as a place of privilege depend on a significant part of the population not being allowed in. Those people are usually resigned to hell. I mean, what kind of fun is heaven if there isn’t a hell? How can the presence of God be open to just anyone?

When we say those words, “He descended into hell, and on the third day he rose again,” we aren’t really saying that Jesus might have taken those people with him into heaven are we? Seriously, when I get to heaven, am I going to have to live next door to that person who never mowed the yard and left trash all over the place am I? We have all kinds of ways of asking the Sadducees question about whose wife will this woman be? And when we do that, we miss the point that Jesus is trying to make.

Living in the eternal presence of God means that life will be different. We will be able to live in a place where God will be first in all that we do. The order of this world will no longer determine our behaviors. Jesus tells us that in a world that thinks of women as property to be sold, traded, or given away in marriage, that that will no longer happen. All people are going to be recognized as valuable and loved. We will no longer belong to one another, but we will belong to God, in relationship with one another in ways that lift up our value. Indeed, this is not a land of the dead that practices deadly games of war. Heaven is not a place that continues to grant privilege to the wealthy, at the expense of the poor. It is not a place where we celebrate our own actions on earth like recounting the tenth inning of the Cubs/Indians game. Heaven is that place where we are invited into Sabbath time to be guests in God’s presence with the angels and like them we will die no more but be called the children of God. As such, we will live in the fullness of our relationships with God and one another.  

In the meantime, in anticipation of that great banquet time with Christ, we continue to see the imago dei, that is, God’s image. reflected to us in the face of our neighbor. We mourn and celebrate the relationships we have with those who have gone before us and value those around us. And, with the promise and hope of the resurrection we continue to lift our neighbors up into the relationships we have with one another and Christ. Claiming, with confidence in the one who is risen from the dead, that God is God of the living, and, although some are dead to us, that they continue to be alive with Christ in the fullness of their relationship with God. In the midst of the craziness and chaos of this world, in the midst of the pain and the sorrow that we know, we can still say with Job, “I know that my redeemer lives and at the last he will stand upon the earth...Then…I shall see God.” With the writer of 2 Thessalonians we can say to one another, “Now may our Lord, Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and through grace gave us eternal comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and strengthen them in every good work and word.”

What will heaven be like? I really can’t tell you, but I can say that the one who is risen from the dead, that is Jesus Christ, has gone before us and waits for us there with welcome and love.