Zombies, Raise Up and Fight

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

ZOMBIES, RISE UP AND FIGHT

Dateline: Holy Land?, June 18, 09:35:10:23
by Matt Hughes

In an unprecedented shortfall in the farm labor market due to the demise of migrant workers, recent job listings show that there are more jobs available on farms than there are workers. A call recently went out across the country for as many workers as possible before the harvest is lost.


Josh Kristy of NU-Food Farms has gathered his local followers, even, and specifically sent them out to find more workers. Prospects looked dismal until yesterday when Kristy gave his followers the authority to raise the dead. Human Resources personnel throughout the area were confused today when thousands of Zombie workers presenting death certificates and expired Social Security numbers showed up for work. 


According to United Factory Farm Dairy Alliance (UFFDA) spokes- person Ketil O. Moene, “If we don’t check their paperwork too closely, everything should work out, but this raising the dead stuff has created another groundbreaking problem. I have thousands of workers showing up for work with cemetery plots for their home addresses.”


At least one incident has been reported where a person whose whereabouts were previously unknown presented her driver’s license that had expired 01/20/17. She explained her body was never found after she was killed 11/8/16.


Many employers are happy these Zombie laborers have arrived, especially since they are willing to work for lower wages than living laborers. Moene described the situation. “They want to work, and there is more than enough work to be done. You just can’t get the average worker interested in these low paying, underground economy jobs, and still, they need to be done if the rest of the country is going to eat. We do have to pay the Zombies something though because, as the saying goes, ‘A laborer deserves his food’; and these guys have a real passion for raised donuts and angel food cake.”


In a clash this afternoon between the Zombie workers and worker’s rights advocates, it seems clear that, if these jobs are to be filled, Zombies will have to fight for their right to enter the work force. In an attempt to mollify current workers, government plans are underway to create a special authorization card indicating they can work until the harvest is done, but then all Zombies must return to their places of origin. Again, Moene, “I have no idea what will happen when the harvest is done, but I don’t suppose they need a retirement plan.” 


One Zombie worker, Dag Agan said, “I’ll not make any bones about it. I suppose I’ll just return home to the old sod.”