THE ANGELUS TRUMPET
The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts
The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts
Benevolent Bloviating Bluster
by Luke A. Possil
Dateline: Jerusalem, June 4, 02:01:21
Thousands of pilgrims who came for the Pentecost holiday poured out into the streets of Jerusalem this morning after the forces of nature converged over our great city creating a meteorological phenomenon. Authorities are unable at the time of this report to explain these odd occurrences.
Some scientists and philosophers are proposing a particularly virulent, anomalous, climate change-induced, straight-line wind microburst while our national leaders are hypothesizing a fluke of cosmic energy released from warfare on Mt. Olympus. Whatever the cause, it seemed to localize where the followers of the treasonous leader, Joshua bar Joseph, were staying.
For the past forty-nine days, hoping to round up the traitor’s followers and other radical cell leaders all at one time, the Roman and Temple guards have been surveilling an undisclosed house where they believed bar Josephs’ followers were gathering. When this sudden meteorological phenomenon occurred, his followers exited the building like refugees from a Ringling Brothers clown car. There seemed to be a strange aura about them like some fiery, plasmic manifestation or St. Elmo’s fire.
Those affected didn’t so much walk as stagger from the domicile muttering to themselves, iterating what sounded like nonsense. As they continued to speak, people started to gather around one or the other of the bar Joseph followers recognizing their utterances. Lo their mumbling was actually foreign languages!
No one knows how these country bumpkins came to know these languages. Some suspect undocumented immersion-study linguist tutors; others claim a type of idiot savant classification. One observer was heard to say, “Now we can study pneumatology.” Another added, “And spontaneous polyglottal utterances."
Others, less curious, less impressed, are bringing charges of public drunkenness and substance abuse. The primary spokesperson for the bar Joseph followers, one Simon, aka Cephas, aka Peter, denies charges of inebriation, claiming drunkenness and substance abuse were not possible because it was still morning.
Simon explained, rather, that God was speaking through them via the Holy Spirit. He further asserted that the witness they were making was perfectly understandable and should have been anticipated if only one recalled the words from the ancient prophet Joel (who is suspected of mushroom eating).
After charging Rome and the people gathered here at the time of the Passover with killing the Son of God, Joshua bar Joseph, Simon continued by promising forgiveness if they would only join the little band gathered. He said, “The answer my friends, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the Holy Wind.”
With these and other hyperbolic statements, mob rule took over. Chants of “We call on the name of the Lord!” and “Jesus is Lord!” that arose from their midst eventually echoed throughout our city challenging the very foundations of Roman rule. We all know that the name of our lord is Tiberius Caesar. This gathering and its treasonous declarations are bound to bring Roman recriminations and retributions to our city. When it is all over, this reporter wonders, who will be saved?
Thousands of pilgrims who came for the Pentecost holiday poured out into the streets of Jerusalem this morning after the forces of nature converged over our great city creating a meteorological phenomenon. Authorities are unable at the time of this report to explain these odd occurrences.
Some scientists and philosophers are proposing a particularly virulent, anomalous, climate change-induced, straight-line wind microburst while our national leaders are hypothesizing a fluke of cosmic energy released from warfare on Mt. Olympus. Whatever the cause, it seemed to localize where the followers of the treasonous leader, Joshua bar Joseph, were staying.
For the past forty-nine days, hoping to round up the traitor’s followers and other radical cell leaders all at one time, the Roman and Temple guards have been surveilling an undisclosed house where they believed bar Josephs’ followers were gathering. When this sudden meteorological phenomenon occurred, his followers exited the building like refugees from a Ringling Brothers clown car. There seemed to be a strange aura about them like some fiery, plasmic manifestation or St. Elmo’s fire.
Those affected didn’t so much walk as stagger from the domicile muttering to themselves, iterating what sounded like nonsense. As they continued to speak, people started to gather around one or the other of the bar Joseph followers recognizing their utterances. Lo their mumbling was actually foreign languages!
No one knows how these country bumpkins came to know these languages. Some suspect undocumented immersion-study linguist tutors; others claim a type of idiot savant classification. One observer was heard to say, “Now we can study pneumatology.” Another added, “And spontaneous polyglottal utterances."
Others, less curious, less impressed, are bringing charges of public drunkenness and substance abuse. The primary spokesperson for the bar Joseph followers, one Simon, aka Cephas, aka Peter, denies charges of inebriation, claiming drunkenness and substance abuse were not possible because it was still morning.
Simon explained, rather, that God was speaking through them via the Holy Spirit. He further asserted that the witness they were making was perfectly understandable and should have been anticipated if only one recalled the words from the ancient prophet Joel (who is suspected of mushroom eating).
After charging Rome and the people gathered here at the time of the Passover with killing the Son of God, Joshua bar Joseph, Simon continued by promising forgiveness if they would only join the little band gathered. He said, “The answer my friends, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the Holy Wind.”
With these and other hyperbolic statements, mob rule took over. Chants of “We call on the name of the Lord!” and “Jesus is Lord!” that arose from their midst eventually echoed throughout our city challenging the very foundations of Roman rule. We all know that the name of our lord is Tiberius Caesar. This gathering and its treasonous declarations are bound to bring Roman recriminations and retributions to our city. When it is all over, this reporter wonders, who will be saved?
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