JEAN BAPTISTE EXECUTED--THOUSANDS RALLY

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

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JEAN BAPTISTE EXECUTED--THOUSANDS RALLY

by Matt Hughes 
Dateline: Galilee, August 6, 14:01:22

WARNING: This article contains graphic images. Reader discretion advised.

Moral depravity continues to be the subject of the day. From the newly completed palace of Capri, where our emperor has taken up residence with his beloved minnows, to Herodium, where leaks recently revealed Herod’s apparent pederasty, aristocratic culture and royal deportment continue to decline. According to sources inside Herod’s palace, a new low in perverted, lewd and lascivious behavior was established yesterday.

At Herod’s birthday celebration and feast, he and a few select guests, royally sated with local delicacies, were entertained by Herodias’ daughter with dancing that can only be described as salacious. In the midst of the debauchery, the highly titillated Herod offered the nubile tiny dancer anything he had for her continued favor. Not knowing what to ask for, she consulted her mother and returned with a request for a most disgusting delicacy—not the head of a sheep like the one the guests had just consumed at the table, but the head of Jean Baptiste on a platter.

This request revealed the whereabouts of Baptiste. He had been held incognito in an unused cistern under the palace courtyard flagstones. Baptiste’s public remonstrations decrying the moral and ethical deprivations of the tetrarch’s lifestyle and political collusion with Roman corruption led to an earlier arrest, confinement, and conviction of sedition and subversive malcontention. Sentencing was expected this coming week, but this favor accelerated the sentencing process and produced an expedited execution.

When his body was thrown over the palace wall, Kingdom of Dodd (KoD) Baptiste groupies were alerted. They buried him in a brief but solemn ceremony.

KoD’s Josh Kristy said, “When I heard the news, I just had to get away. We had been raising money for Jean’s defense hoping to get an open hearing. We always knew that he might be tried secretly, but this? We certainly didn’t expect an execution like this. Everyone at KoD is shocked.”

After the news was publicly released, a crowd estimated between five- and twelve-thousand fled to the wilderness where they had first met Baptiste. At the seaside, they gathered in memory of his passionate endorsements of KoD’s NU-Food and fashions.

Candy Trey, KoD’s Party Co-ordinator, was with the crowd as they came to the wilderness refuge. She quickly organized a few speakers and even got Kristy, who was on his private boat on the sea, to join the crowd for a short, requiem meet-and-greet. Following his words of remembrance, Kristy told the people to sit down for a simple meal of NU food fishwiches and water.

Looking into the sky, Kristy said something to his entourage, and suddenly parachutes, displaying the KoD logo, appeared with cargo nets of Nu-Food products and even some samples of Baptiste’s favorite KoD hemp sandals.

One of the crowd, Haley Oojah said, “It was amazing! Josh Kristy just looked up, and then he, like, raised his hands, like he was directing someone, and then the packages just started falling out of the sky. We were so hungry and thirsty after being out there all day, and, like, no one had thought about bringing anything with them. I mean, we just heard the news about poor Jean, and we all knew where we had to go. If it weren’t for the Kingdom of Dodd, we could have perished out there, you know? It was like…a miracle.”

Because of Trey’s quick thinking, Kristy’s calming presence, and the resources of KoD, what could have been an angry, mob response culminated in a peaceful out-pouring of love for the former KoD spokesperson Baptiste.

Kristy said, “We’ve been trying to tell people for quite a while that KoD can make a difference in the lives of everybody. Jean truly believed that, and today we proved our point. I believe that Jean would have been proud of what we did today.”

Following the peaceful rally, Kristy put his KoD staff on his private boat for a short cruise and then sent the mourners home. No unlawful incidents were reported.