PARADISE LOSS?

THE ANGELUS TRUMPET

The Unexpurgated Source for Alternative Bible Facts

PARADISE LOSS?

by Matt Hughes 

Dateline: Capernaum, Sept. 24, 2017, 20:01:16

Trouble again came to Paradise Farms, Inc., a subsidiary of Kingdom of Dodd (KoD) when violence erupted last week among the laborers over fair wages. It is not known who notified Local #666 of Agricultural Socialist Separatist People(ASSP), a known affiliate of Environmental Vandals & Looters (EVaL 1), of inflated wage payments at NU-Food Paradise Farms. Yesterday’s part-time hourly workers received favorable wages compared to those who have full-time salaried contracts. A resulting riot threatened to ruin the freshly-gathered harvest.

Paradise Farms, like most KoD enterprises, makes cash payment to its employees at the end of every day. When asked how the trouble started, Paradise Farms controller, M. Otto Monet placed the blame squarely on this now arcane payroll system. “This business of having to deal with cash in these amounts is ludicrous, and this week’s riot proves my point,” he seethed.

For several years, Mr. Monet has encouraged replacing KoD’s cash payroll system with electronic payments using either direct deposit to a worker’s account or loading smart cards. He said, “This is just one instance when electronic banking, which I have advocated for some time, could have greatly benefited us.”

The urgency to complete the harvest as a result of yesterday’s impending storm was the catalyst which truly brought the difficulties wrought by the cash payroll system to a head. Dir. T. Farmer explained the crop had had to be harvested before the winds and rain came or everything would have been lost.

Trying to beat the weather yesterday, Farmer called Paradise Farms’ regular contract workers in early. He soon realized that they would never finish before the storm. After he contacted temporary work agencies, enough laborers eventually arrived to get the job done. Farmer expressed his relief. “It was really nip-and-tuck for a while, but workers kept dribbling in throughout the day, and eventually everything was harvested and under cover.”

Earlier in the day, management decided that, if the harvest were successful, they would pay all workers equally as a way to show Paradise Farms’ and NU-Food Labs’ appreciation. Farmer explained this gesture of the corporation’s gratitude. “Many were temporary workers who normally would never work for the Farms or KoD again. We wanted to make sure that they would at least think of us next time they needed work.”

Monet described the turmoil at pay time. “When the workers lined up for their pay, because we were dealing in cash, everybody saw how much everybody else was getting. Letting co-workers see how much each is being paid is never a good idea. With individual cash cards, no one would have known what anyone else received. Our decision to pay all equally made a bad situation worse.”

The protests of both the salaried workers and those temps who had worked longer hours than others soon escalated. When some workers threatened to burn or otherwise destroy the crop they had just harvested, the work of many years at Paradise Farms could have been lost in a matter of minutes. A security detail arrived quickly to protect Monet and the grain. The crowd quieted when, finally, KoD CEO Josh Kristy was prevailed upon to make an appearance.

In an impassioned speech, Kristy reasoned with the workers. He reminded them they had each gotten what they had contracted for so that they should not feel slighted. Kristy did concede a few got a bonus, but only because those later workers “had joined in willingly when we desperately needed them. Their fresh energy and enthusiasm gave an extra burst of speed, creating the opportunity for success, while those who had been working all day were showing signs of fatigue and were slowing down.”

Kristy assured everyone, “Equitable salaries are based on equity, and KoD is all about improving the lives of all of its workers.” He then thanked those who had been loyal in the past and expressed a hope for the loyalty of those who were the newest members of the KoD and Paradise Farms family. The calming influence of Kristy’s positive demeanor seemed to de-fang ASSP’s venomous bite, and an uneasy détente was established.

Farmer admitted the loss of the harvest from a storm of this magnitude might have been anticipated considering other problems Paradise Farms has experienced this season. Shortly after planting, toxic invasive weed seeds were discovered. Agri-terrorist actions by EVaL 1 are still suspected but no charges have ever been made.

“This has been a hard year,” Farmer said, “but, as it turned out, the weed seeding sabotage of our test plots created a more realistic environment for our seeds, and these new hybrid seeds did incredibly well, especially with the favorable weather conditions all season. The harvest looked good. It was just a matter of beating the fall storms. Then the agitation and rioting nearly put an end to the work we have been doing here at Paradise Farms. It may look like the head of ASSP was crushed today, but the real victory is over EVaL 1. This victory could be one of those NU Kingdom LIFO moments, or is it FILO?”

Farmer wanted to remind everyone not to expect any changes in the grocery aisles soon. He explained, “We have so much more work to do in order to determine whether these new seeds will prove out in the oven. We have hundreds of recipes which need to be tried, and we also need to conclude our tests for digestibility and nutritional values. Just because the seed does well in the field does not necessarily mean that it will behave well for the people who will be cooking with it or nourish them after they have eaten it.”